I can't stand your cooking and you ain't good looking, I'm gone, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

*Crimean voters voted 95% to leave Ukraine for Russia. Or as Kim Jong Un calls a 95% vote: a squeaker.

*Los Angeles had an earthquake. It was pretty bad, at the Los Angeles Lakers practice it actually shook a ball into the basket.

*Indianapolis Colts owner, Jim Irsay, was arrested for drunk driving. He faces charges of Driving Under the Influence, four counts of possession of a controlled substance, and two counts of impersonating the Cincinnati Bengals.

*Los Angeles woke up today to an earthquake. It was pretty bad, in Hollywood, it actually shook a straight man into a movie theater showing “Endless Love.”