In California, he’s an alcoholic, in Chicago, he’s a partier, in New York, he is a wuss, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Internet is 25 today. It better hurry, it only has one more year to date George Clooney.

In sad news, the vertically-challenged couple of “Little People, Big World”, Amy and Matt Roloff, have split up. They want to start seeing other people’s knee caps.

Kesha announced she is dropping the dollar sign from the S in her name. She is replacing it with the international symbol for chlamydia.

 “The Bachelor,” Juan Pablo is being called the worst bachelor ever; next year the bachelor is going to be less creepy and weird and nicer than Juan Pablo: they are going to pick either, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un or Justin Bieber.

President Obama appeared with “Hangover” star, Zach Galifianakis, on his “Funny or Die” talk show, “Between Two Ferns” to promote HealthCare.gov. And that is this week’s story my Aunt Gertie will never, ever, understand.

In hockey, Dallas Star, Rich Peverley, had a cardiac arrest, was resuscitated and asked to go back into the game. He was dead and asked to go back into the game. Not like former San Diego Charger, David Boston, who missed a game due to a sore nipple ring.

Lexservations

Only thing hotter than a pretty woman is a pretty woman with a little ring-caused, bar-fight scar by the side of her eye.

When you can be civil and even funny when you are scared to death, you are in rare company. (Learned I could do this when sailing with my dad) 

There is always a bigger ship in the harbor. And let's say yours was the biggest ship in the harbor? Instead of enjoying it, you would probably think; "What a crappy little harbor."

It has always been, and will always be, the same time. Time has never changed in history. We just measure our growth and detoriation with a clock and a calendar.

Nobody who is really cool gives a mongoose's crap about being cool. 

Tater Tots are awesome. Rolling Stones awesome. Cold Old Style beer in the bleachers at Wrigley Field awesome. 

Overcoming a fear is one of the greatest things you can do. Having a fear is one of the most important things to have. 

If you can spell diarrhea, congratulations, you're smarter than I am. 

Just found out that stressed is desserts spelled backwards. No clue what that means. 

A real friend tells you if you have some schmutz on your teeth. A really good friend doesn't and then gives you crap about it later; 

"Dude, like you had the hanging garden of Babylon on your front teeth. Popeye has never had that much spinach on his teeth."