Sunday

Glide to the ride, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is so hot, Paula Deen is sweating clarified butter mixed with racism.

Detroit is so broke, Newark makes jokes about them.

Have you heard about the new ScyFy movie? It’s about Amanda Byne, Paris Hilton, Keisha and Kim Kardashian. It’s called; “Skanknado.”

Comic-Con is in full swing. It gives skinny, weak, un-athletic people a chance to wear a uniform and pretend to be a stud. So it’s a lot like a game between the New York Mets and the Florida Marlins.

Chevy has a smart phone app that helps you find where you parked your car. It’s called the “Baby-Boomers are getting up there” app. It also helps get the punks off your lawn.

People are still upset about the Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokar Tzarnaev’s picture on the cover of the “Rolling Stone.” “Rolling Stone” wanna see my picture on the cover, gonna buy five copes for my brother, oh, wait, I drove over him.” 

 “42” is available on DVR. “42” is about the incredible Jackie Robinson. “42” is also the number of people who have seen “The Lone Ranger.”

You can bet on the name of William and Kate’s royal baby. The short odds are on Charles, Diana or Elizabeth. The much longer odds are on North, South, East or West.

Lex’s Random Thoughts:

To a monkey, a banana is a private jet to Paris.

To have never had a technology is vastly superior to having had it and then have it go down.

There are two types of tech helpers: those who know what they’re doing and those who don’t.

In another life, I wear nothing but Hawaiian shirts, khaki pants, aviator glasses and a Cubs hat, my name is Tanner and I fly a charter helicopter in Kauai when I am not surfing or drinking rum.

After surfing, when I drink a Margie and eat chips and salsa, the words dude, stoked, gnarly, bitchin’, killer, wahine, mack, shakka, geevum, howsit, bra and da kine come flowing out of my mouth.

To have caught a wave and fallen is better than never to have surfed at all. But I should have turned left sooner and gotten my weight back and I wouldn’t have pearled the nose and biffed so bad.

To a monkey, a private jet to Paris is, well, they have no idea what a jet is. Paris either for that matter.

It makes me feel better to make other people laugh than it does to laugh.

Don’t need me to tell you there is nothing wrong with being gay. But, thanks to my departed gay brother, I have amazing Gadar for a straight dude. Love of uniforms? Funky little mustache and bangs? Silly salute gestures? Love of opera? Love of architecture? Love of black leather boots? Vegan? Hitler was gay, gay, gay. (Been watching a lot of WWII documentaries)

The movie “Ted” was surprisingly funny.

Cuddling a dog is good for the soul. Both yours and the dog’s.

It should be illegal to own a pit bull or a automatic rifle or hand gun. If you don’t agree, I don’t care.

When you cuddle a dog and they make that happy snoring sound? Each one of those earns you a chip for a free drink in heaven.

Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care. No, seriously, I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Once you have learned some chimps like to bite penises, fingers and noses off people, they are just never as cute again.

There are two types of people. People who want their spies handsome and cool in a tuxedo sipping a shaken martini in a Bahaman casino, and those who like their spies scary, unshaven and sweating in a dive bar in Istanbul.

Grilling the perfect steak or frying the perfect over-medium egg is an art that is good for the soul. 

 

This right here is Wally "P" his own rambunctious self. You just cain't hardly keep from smilin' when you say Wally.