Monday, April 30, 2012

Rihanna, um, stand up paddle boarding? And, just like that, the sport retreats five years . . . Where is Chris Brown when you need the guy?

Jar, Schmidt! Jar, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Justin Bieber wrote a song about the woman who lied about getting pregnant by him. Not positive, but I think the song is titled; 

“Don’t Trust the B with Hep C.”

Los Angeles Laker, Metta World Peace, has been suspended for seven games for throwing a vicious elbow at the head of Oklahoma player, James Harden.  Harden was hurt. For three days his head hurt like a Kardashian on “Jeopardy.”

Time Warner has a channel for dogs. They have interesting shows. “This is Why the World Hates Us”, “Don’t Trust the B in Kennel 23,” and “How I Humped Your Mother”

The online dating service, AshleyMadison, is offering $1 mil. to anyone who can prove they had sex with alleged virgin, Tim Tebow. Wow, $1 million. My virginity cost me a bottle of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill wine and an F in a quiz I didn’t study for.
For the second time a person, this time a woman, had a heart attack while eating a double-bypass burger at the Heart Attack Café in Las Vegas. She was on her way to have dessert at the My Life Is an Utter Waste bar and grill.

Since you asked:
 Big fan of the Aaron Sorkin “West Wing” “American President” wildly too-fast and far too clever witty political banter. Sucker for movies like “Recount” and shows like “Veep.”

In high school, I worked on the Abner Mikva campaign with my mother and, while working, it is fun to indulge your vanity into thinking you are working for the greater good. And there is a part of us that desperately wants us to believe are political leaders are funny, smart and driven.

That is what made that “SNL” skit with John Hartman doing Reagan alternating between the public corny, jellybean-eating, Girl Scout-greeting, out-of-it old cliche-spewing goofy Uncle and, once in private, snapping into the razor sharp Alpha dog leader so damn funny.  

But while it is fun to watch these characters shoot off sexually-laced double entendres into their 
Blackberries, deep down we know the reality is wildly different.

In John Edwards we had a leading presidential candidate who was so stupid, egotistical and vain he knocked up a self-proclaimed “crazy slut” while his wife was dying of cancer and then used campaign money to bankroll the bimbo and bastard cover- up.

Then we have Edwards aide, Andrew Young, who decided to blow the whistle on Edwards even though he used most of the cover-up money to remodel his house.

This isn’t just inept and stupid, it is borderline mentally challenged. 

Tina Fey, you're my girl, but there is a new funniest female on TV. 

 Rebecca Reid's Nadia on "New Girl." She was kicked out of Russia. Russia. Even she doesn't know where she's been. I'm not positive, but I think her vagina has a right angle.

So Ann Caroline is watching "New Girl" and I walk up and see that Schmidt is in the hospital. So I asked what happened. This is what no dad wants to hear from his 13-year-old daughter;

"Schmidt broke his penis."