We gettin’ Qwerty on Gertie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New York Mets owner, Fred Wilpon, has been ordered to pay $162 million to the biggest losers in the Bernie Madoff scandal. But if there is one guy who is used to paying millions to losers, it is the owner of the Mets.

I don’t want to say Mitt Romney is boring, but his secret service codename is Secret Service Codename.

Rick Santorum is so conservative, his secret service codename is Fox News.

Mitt Romney is so rich, his secret service nickname is ATM.

It rained so hard in California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had an affair with his female scuba instructor.

Charlize Theron adopted a four-month-old boy and said that motherhood is incredible; once again raising the unanswered question: how did any of us raise children without the aid of celebrity’s insights?

“Growing Pains” actor Kirk Cameron said he felt homosexuality is unnatural; that’s fine, but I am going to wait and hear what Urkel thinks.

Keith Richards said he apologizes for saying in his autobiography, “Life” that Mick Jagger’s penis is “nothing to write home about.” Now, I don’t know about you folks, but other guy’s penises is not what I would chose to write home about. “Dear Mom, guess what I saw in the locker room today?”