Friday, September 09, 2011

Now I understand, Steve Irwin

Do that J-Street shuffle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

At the Republican debate, the candidates spoke against government mandates; is it just me, or does Michele Bachmann look like she recently thought mandates were what gay men went on?

Is it just me, or do Mitt Romney and Rick Perry look like the good-looking older gay couple on a mandate?

Is it just me or do Mitt Romney and Rick Perry look like the finalists for the modeling job for “Just for Men” hair coloring box?

Is it just me, or do Mitt Romney and Rick Perry look like the good-looking gay couple on a ski vacation in Aspen enjoying some champagne in the hot tub?

After an STD outbreak, all Los Angeles area porn shoots have been shut down. The porn industry has been hit so hard financially they asked for a Federal bail out. But congress thought they would just blow the money.

It was hot this week. I was sweating like Ashley the Nanny getting screamed at by Kate Gosselin for giving Steve the bodyguard’s pizza to her children.

On the last “Kate Plus 8”, Kate Gosselin screamed at her nanny, Ashley, for giving the last slice of pizza to her children instead of Steve her bodyguard. Ashley then quit. Experts feel this incident may hinder Kate’s chance of winning “Mother of the Year.”

In Sweden, a drunken moose got stuck in an apple tree and had to be freed. Apparently moose get drunk from eating fermented apples. This finally explains how Bullwinkle ended up as a life partner with a squirrel named Rocky.

A study claims women who drink moderately are healthier than women who don’t drink; by moderately, a woman can tell she has drank too much when she’s watching the Republican debate and says; “That Newt Gingrich is a sexy man.”

After an STD outbreak, all Los Angeles area porn shoots have been shut down. Poor Paris Hilton, first her reality show gets cancelled and now this.

Maine is changing all places named Squaw because Native Americans claim Squaw is an offensive name for female genitalia. So book your reservations now to stay at beautiful Who-Hah Lake.

In San Diego, a guy in a Gumby costume tried to rob a convenience store, but was ignored; that is sad, Gumby is robbing stores. And, sadly, to nobody’s surprise, Pokey is turning tricks.

Since you asked:

Interesting last day. Yesterday at 3:38 PM, the power went out in all of San Diego. Did not come back until 1:18 AM. We made the most of it: lit candles, grilled food on the gas grill, read Susan Casey’s “The Wave” by book light. It was the hottest night of the year, but we slept downstairs and it was cooler.

So early in the morning, I decide to reward myself with a SUP surf session. Got up early, made coffee, ate a banana, I was in the water at La Jolla Shores at 7:10.

Out of the water at 7:15 after getting stung in the foot by a stingray.

Stung isn’t the right word, stabbed is more like it. The pain was indescribable. OK, I’ll try to describe it anyway. Like somebody heated up a nine inch nail over a hot fire, then stuck it in your foot and wiggled it around.

For three hours.

Drove myself to urgent care because I was sure there was something seriously wrong, like a snapped bone, torn cartilage or the barb was in it. Nope, they took X-Rays, it is just that the venom from a stingray is so painful, it is amazing.

Soaked it in hot water, the hotter the water, the better my foot felt.

The wound on the inside of my left foot is still seeping blood and poison. The top of my foot looks like a horse stepped on it, swollen and purple and red.

Tonight? Grilled steak, tater tots, San Diego Sunsets, Mount Gay Rum and coconut water and lime, Percocet and a recorded Padres game, thanks for asking.