Thursday, March 31, 2011

On top of here, Stork Tower, UCSB, is where I had my chance and chickened out. My youth was wasted on a young dumb guy. Can't imagine what it was about this that turned my girlfriend on.

UCSB's new motto:

Our students look hot and hook-up in freaky places, they're just too smart to get caught.

Puttin’ the would to the good, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

While the Barry Bonds steroid perjury trial is underway, today is the Opening Day of baseball:

“Gentleman, start your injections.”

Two USC students, a guy and girl, were caught having sex on top of a roof in the middle of campus in the middle of the day. Apparently USC stands for: Unusual Sex Choice. Not to be critical, but um, I saw the video tape. Let’s just say USC stands for Unusually Short Connection.

Porn star Ron Jeremy has his own line of rum called Ron de Jeremy Rum. Careful, guys, if you drink too much you’ll be really, really hung in the morning.

Good news, they think they know where the missing Bronx Zoo deadly Egyptian cobra is; he’s on Wall Street running a mortgage hedge fund.

Donald Trump says he questions President Obama’s citizenship and wants to see his birth certificate. Never mind that, I want to know where that thing on Trump’s head was born.

Two USC students, a guy and girl, were caught having sex on top of a roof in the middle of campus in the middle of the day. He is a member of the Kappa Sigma fraternity. Kappa Sigma is Greek for “Way to go, Dude.”

Kids, that’s not what your professor meant when he said; “Start cramming for finals.”

Of course USC students have sex in the middle of the day, during the nighttime they’re too busy drinking.

Kevin Federline will be a dad for the fifth time. Guys like Jon Gosselin, John Edwards and Kevin Federline keep reproducing and we wonder why our country is such a mess?

Since you asked:

OK, you brought it up, let’s talk about those two USC kids going at it like monkeys on the roof in full view of the campus. He’s a member of Kappa Sigma, not sure her sorority, but from one picture, I’m guessing it’s I Eta Guy.

One source claims he is the only one who attends USC. They say she goes to Oregon State. Which would make sense because that would be the Trojans with the Beavers.

Sorry. Any who.

As you might know, if you read this blog, I am not a fan of USC. To say the least. Yes, it is bad to stereotype any group, but, in my experience as a person also from a fraternity on a beautiful California campus with gorgeous and fit students, USC students, especially the Greek members, are incredibly snotty, arrogant and condescending tools without having nearly enough brain power to justify copping that much of a pompous attitude.

This incident does nothing to change that opinion. Rather, it justifies it.

On a more purulent level, oops, I mean prurient* level – and this story exists on many levels – you got to give these two some props, no matter how stupid this stunt was. She is hot and a go-er. Even though they blacked out his junk, well, dude, way to go. USC apparently stands for Unusually Sizeable . . . well, you know. Welcome to our club, so to speak. Welcome to our club. (cough and sniff of smugness) Hey, what? It’s true.

And how about him talking her into this? Most guys can’t get women to have sex with the lights on, let alone in broad daylight in front of an entire campus.

Although, in my experience, it was probably the other way around, women don’t do a lot they don’t want to, sexually. Girls are clever at making their guys think they were talked into something, when it was really their idea in the first place. Yes, you know what I am talking about.

(Enter: "Pop Goes the Weasel" song) You naughty Minx, you.

Not sure what the kid’s majors were, but from one picture, I am guessing Animal Husbandry.

Tip your waitresses and try the veal.

You can tell a lot about someone - or an organization - by how they react to this story. As expected, USC and that fraternity reacted with full-blown, self-righteous pompous and hypocritical outrage.

The University of Southern California prides itself, in fact, outright whores itself out on its image of Hollywood and frat boys and sorority girls with chiseled movie star looks. What did USC think would happen when these two groups drink booze and get together? Nobody got hurt. Nothing was damaged. Chill. Hot looking college students should be acting crazy and hooking up.

This is how hot and great the girls are and were at UCSB: When my fraternity went to Mazatlan, Mexico, on spring break, we brought our girlfriends and sorority little sisters on the train with us. We knew there was no chance of running into women from any campus, including USC and UCLA, who were better looking or more fun. Feel the love, Gaucho-ettes, feel the love because I am putting it out there.

No lie, Nugglussesses, if you are a buffed, good-looking dude** between the ages of 18 and 27, first, Eff You, and second, get your tattoo, Axe-body-spray-smelling ass to East Beach when the UCSB Pi Phi sorority holds its annual beach volleyball tournament. Good, googly and moog, you will not believe how hot and awesome those girls are.

Whew. Hmm. Huh? Oh, sorry. What were we talking about?

Personally, if you’re outraged and angry over this roof-banging prank, you are probably too uptight and repressed. If you’re sexually excited by this story? You’re either Charlie Sheen or Paris Hilton.

Granted, the kids, as I call them, made a horrible decision and the proper authorities have to do something to discourage rampant public sex on campus. Keep it in the dorms and frat houses. Was it stupid for these two to have sex in the open during the day? No doubt. Kick them off campus until the story goes away. It will only take a month.

Truth is these kids - and how hard is it for me to admit, at my age, they could be my kids? - will be marred by this incident enough, especially the woman. Very, very popular, but marred. Double standards exist and this could damage the woman’s future. It’s not fair, but it’s true. My guess is, however, every fraternity will send her an invitation to be a little sister.

The guy will get his back slapped, offered high fives and get bought a few drinks. But if his rich Newport Beach Daddy wants to appoint his son CEO when he retires? He can’t knowing this P.R. enchilada is in his closet.

Let’s review:

Everybody with any brains now knows if you have sex in public, it will get filmed and it will go viral on the Internet. If these two fun-loving kids didn’t know that, they are stupid even by USC standards. Which is saying a lot.

For me, my reaction to this is two-fold. It brings home the fact that, in my feeble mind, I am closer to being these kids back at UCSB than I am to being a happily married man with a 12-year-old daughter and two doggies. Sad? Sad for the aging Dad? You bet.

The second is, well, I had a chance to do something very similar with an adventurous and cute girlfriend at UCSB – only in the cover of darkness, we weren’t stupid - and I chickened out. Wish I hadn’t, but that is thirty-year-old-plus water under the bridge, as they say.

Guess the point is, if you’re a hot, sexy young college student dating another hot, sexy college student, and you want to get weird and freaky? By all means, go for it. You only live once. Be safe and don’t do it where anyone can record you, morons.

Now with everyone carrying cameras and video cameras in their phones, "What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas" is a bold-faced lie.

*For any USC students reading this, prurient means crudely or basely sexually enticing. Enticing means . . . oh, forget it, go hump someone on a roof.

**Dear Aforementioned-18-27-year-old-single-good-looking-ripped-abs-dudes:

Make no mistake, I was where you are, so don't be so damn cocky. Hell, I was you late into my 30's.

As god is my witness, if you get lucky - and I mean lottery-winning lucky - you will -knock on wood - be where I am now: 52, married to a great wife with a great kid, everyone healthy, with wonderful friends and living in a great area, doing what I love and running and surfing and grilling year round with a full head of not-quite-yet-gray hair in beautiful San Diego.

But don't, for one split second, think that I am not bitterly, angrily and almost insanely jealous of you. So go out there and get her done.

Your Pal,


P.S. No matter how handsome, young, rich, ripped and handsome you are? (Yes, I know I said handsome twice) I am funnier than you are. Bam, oh yeah, I said it, bo-yah to yah.

(Doing the Snoppy dance)