Thursday, April 23, 2009

Double-pit, chesty up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Funeral homes are reporting more rock songs are being requested like Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” and the Eagles “Desperado.” The rock songs that aren’t requested much at funerals? AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” and Van Halen’s “Running with the Devil.”

She’s OK, but Madonna was thrown from her horse on Long Island. And just like Alex Rodriguez, after the horse dumped Madonna, it went back to his wife.

The Cleveland Indians beat the New York Yankees 22-4 in the new Yankee Stadium. The last time Indians beat Yankees that bad Col. Custer was thinking of updating his resume.

The only surviving Somali pirate is on trial in New York. He is accused of hijacking passengers to steal their money, or they call that in New York: driving a cab.

Jessica Simpson announced she is making a sitcom with Britney Spears. It’s a combination of “Two and a Half Men” “How I Met Your Mother” and “The Big Bang Theory.” It’s called: “How I Banged Two and a Half Men.”

Since you asked:
Last night I made my world famous Lex’s Slider Gliders. Do me, yourself and everyone else in the world a huge favor and forget about it. It just don’t get no better is all.

Picture, if you will, perfect little ground sirloin burgers –about a quarter of a regular burger - dusted with garlic powder and fresh pepper, drizzled in Worcestershire sauce and grilled to perfection with melted cheddar cheese and served on golden brown oven toasted Hawaiian dinner rolls with mixed mayo, ketchup and honey mustard goop smeared on it, a slice of pickle, a thin slice of tomato and a crown of caramelized grilled onions. Tap down with a slight smoosh. Serve with an All American salad of lettuce and Ranch dressing and shredded cheddar cheese.

A beer and a Cubs game and you can try to beat it with a stick, but you can’t.

There is not a man, woman or child in this country who could not write a book about their personal experience with the hamburger. From your first one to your most recent one, they are vivid in our memory.

In fact, you can use the hamburger to chart your progression and inevitable regression through life. When you are a toddler you just have a patty chopped up with nothing on it. As you get older you add a bun. Then later, ketchup. And then dawns that one day when you are bold enough to have cheese on it and there is no looking back.

I can still remember Ann Caroline’s order for our local burger place when she was just past a toddler:

“I wanna hamburger, not a cheeseburger (I made the mistake of getting cheese on her order once and she never forgot it) with nothing on it, not even ketchup (same mistake once with the ketchup) and I want French fries and a saaaaaawiiiiid” (salad)

Last night A.C. ate four of my slider glider complete with grilled onions, cheese, the works.


Then you get too clever and you start to complicate things, adding funky stuff on your burger like mushrooms and onion rings Hell, even bacon and chili. Some go even further to F things up with turkey burgers and, god forbid, tofu burgers.

But eventually we will all go back to whence we came. A ground up burger with no bun probably served in the old folks home.

Do you remember your first trip to McDonalds? Boy do I. I spilled my first milkshake down the dashboard of my Mom’s brand new Ford Station wagon. My Dad was so furious at me I didn’t have the courage to tell him I had to go to the bathroom.

So then I wet my pants.

That is how great McDonalds was when I was a kid. A lifetime psychologically scarring event is overlooked because their food was so good.

Do you remember the first date who you took, or took you, to McDonalds? Betsy Fox. In fact, I drove many miles out of the way to take her to the very first McDonalds in Des Plaines.

So what started me down this path of culinary sentimentality besides my Slider gliders?

The always hilarious Jim “Bipitty, bapitty bacon” Gaffigan.

“A salad with bacon isn’t really a salad. It’s a game of find the bacon in the lettuce.”