Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Launch the Baby Ruth into the pool, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Parents in Compton are upset a porn star, Sasha Grey, read stories to their children. Well at least the stories will have a happy ending.

Given her profession I don’t think she picked the best book to read: “Moby Dick.”

Ryanair, an Irish airline, is now offering in-flight porn movies; so now guys, when you land, your trey table will be the second thing in the upright and locked position.

In a related story, the cleaning crews for Ryanair have quit en masse.

Rumor has it that Rick Perry’s debate gaffe was so bad he may have to quit; but don’t worry, Billy Chrystal will replace him.

North Carolina beat Michigan State 67-55 on a game played on the aircraft carrier USS Carl Vincent in San Diego; the NBA might play some games on a ship. The bad news? The ship is the Titanic.

“Twilight” fans have been camping out all weekend for the opening of “Breaking Dawn Part II” Don’t make the same mistake I did, I went to see “Breaking Wind Part II” by mistake. Not the same thing.

Herman Cain’s wife, Gloria, said she doesn’t believe the sexual harassment charges because her husband respects women. Except for that bitch, Princess Nancy Pelosi.

Ryanair, an Irish airline, is now offering in-flight porn movies; the porn is in first class. In coach they hand you a copy of “Maxim” and give you a wet wipe.

Former speaker, Nancy Pelosi denied a “60 Minutes” report she profited on insider trading stock tips. In fact, Pelosi looked furious about the report. Or surprised. Or shocked. Or delighted, it’s hard to tell.

The top Seal brass is reporting Chuck Pfarrar’s book “Seal Target Geronimo” on the Seal Osama bin Laden raid is not true. There are signs this book is fake. Like how before they agreed on the code name Geronimo for Osama, it was going to be “The Wizard of OZ.”

Since you asked:
Not to namedrop, but I have a friend who was a Navy Seal Commander. How tough and cool is he? His own brother has no idea how or why he was awarded several Purple Hearts. He said the surest sign a Navy Seal was not assigned and served on missions is if they’re bragging or writing a book about being on a mission.

Honest-to-god, if I had a Navy Seal purple heart, I would legally change my name to Robert “Took Shrapnel in the Navy Seal Raid to Capture Manuel Noriega” Alexander Kaseberg.

Chuck Pfarrer may well have been employed by the Navy with a Seal Team. But there are Navy Seal employees who wash dishes and there are Navy Seals who kill terrorists. One look at Pfarrer and I get the impression he was closer to a deep fryer than a high-powered rifle.

Anyone can say they were a former Navy Seal just like they can say they were a former CIA agent. Like the CIA, the Navy will neither confirm nor deny information concerning missions and mission participants. But even under those top secret security rules, the Navy Seal Team Six brass has taken the unprecedented stand of refuting Pfarrer’s books and questioned his credibility.

How low would someone have to be to try and get lucky at a bar by lying about being a big shot Navy Seal? Well, cashing in on a huge book deal to do the same thing is one thousand times worse.

At UCSB I had this incredible megalomaniac professor, Roderick Nash, who was so all-consuming full of crap and such a pathological liar and such a shameless name-dropper and so self-deluded, he was able to convince himself he was telling the truth. He even wrote books about his alleged outdoor "adventures" and basically willed himself into being referred to as one of our most accomplished environmentalists on pure B.S. alone. His resume reads like a list of lies you can't check up on: river boat guide, ski guide, motivational speaker, think-tank chairman of a top secret environment team.

That is what I think this Pfarrer A-hole has done. There are some famous people who are so full of crap they not only believe their crap, but other people do to. Like Earnest Hemingway and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In fact, now that I think about it, I was a former Seal Team commando. Yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket. And if you don’t mind, I got some secret Seal Team stuff to do right now:

Fried Green Tomatoes. Attention Fried Green Tomatoes. Steel Magnolias and Beaches are ready to convene with Thelma and Louise. Make sure you Wicked Witch of the West the target stat. Over.

(Sniff. Tooth-suck, lip-smack, stretch, groan dissolving into the chuckle of confidence)