Monday, December 05, 2005

Signs you may be pu

Signs you may be putting on weight this holiday season:

Emeril Lagasse tells you: “Lay off the pork fat, lard ass.”

You notice a local news crew filming you but only from the neck down.

Santa asks to sit in your lap.

When putting up the Christmas lights you begin to sweat gravy.

Tyra Banks asks if people are mean to you when you’re wearing your fat suit.

You’re constantly asked if the baby will be born on Christmas day but you’re not pregnant.

You order a triple burger with a side of fudge for dippin.’

That fat know-it-all Dr. Phil puts you on his damn diet

You get exhausted writing a “Signs you may be putting on weight this holiday season” list.

This isn’t a putting-on-weight thing, but could those Dr. Scholl “Jellin’” commercials be any lamer?

Kevin Federline took a nap on you because he thought you were a couch.

And the main sign you may have put on weight this holiday season:

You’ve cashed in your Frequent Turducken Buyer’s Card.

Since you asked, abridged Holiday version:

Let me ask you this, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers: Do you think Hoobastank has had a Turducken?