Wednesday, March 16, 2005

This just in:
The jury acquitted Robert Blake of murdering his wife. Even O.J. Simpson is pissed off at this verdict.

Do you realize what this means? Given the record of California jury murder verdicts, like this and O.J. Simpson, that must mean that Scott Peterson is innocent.

Today, Michael Jackson asked if he could get the Robert Blake jury for his trial.

The moral of the Robert Blake and the O.J. Simpson murder acquittals? If you want to get away with murder in California, you have to first be a really, really bad actor. Hell, Pauly Shore could probably kill his entire apartment complex and get away with it.

We gonna bring it ‘till we sting it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Get down to it
A House Panel is preparing for their baseball hearings. They want to find out how prevalent and dangerous steroids are and, last, but not least, why commissioner Bud Selig has his hair cut like the unholy result of a union between Bill Gates and Moe of “The Three Stooges.”

Congress is preparing for their baseball hearings. Finally, we are going to settle this question once and for all: who has worse hair, Bud Selig or Senator Joe Biden?

On second thought . . .
John Kerry and his former running mate John Edwards have been trading barbs over who is responsible for the election loss. Edwards said Kerry wavered too much. Kerry denies that he wavered. Well, OK, sometimes he may have wavered. On second thought, no he didn’t waiver.

Might be that other thing
The NCAA tournament begins Thursday. I’m so excited, I’ve got Gonzaga in the Semi’s. But that could be the Viagra talking.

Now that’s bad
Mercer Human Resource Consulting determined Baghdad as the most unsafe place to live. It has to be bad, it’s even worse than the Neverland Ranch.

It’s true, Baghdad has bombs, terrorists, no electrical or water services. On the bright side, it doesn’t have Michael Jackson.

Is this the same New York?
Crime in New York City is at an all time low. Crime is so low that the New York cops are offering tourists free chalk body outlines just to stay in practice.

Off off Broadway
Osama bin Laden’s niece is trying to be an entertainer in New York. Today she is going to try out of the Broadway musical, “Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Boom.”

Binging and unhinging
A report indicates that binge drinking is up especially with young people. And that’s not just at the Neverland Ranch, either.

Fitting right in
Martha Stewart is starting to adjust to life after prison. Just today she discovered that, when it comes to kicking incompetent household staff members in the butt, her ankle monitor bracelet is real handy.

Lighten up, Sean
There was an odd moment at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. After Bruce Springsteen’s induction speech for U2, Sean Penn said he objected that Springsteen didn’t mention Jude Law.

Some embarrassing information about when Michael Jackson saw a doctor about his back last week. When the doctor asked what position felt the most comfortable for is back, Jackson said; “Bent over . . . somebody else.”

Since you asked:

Pet peeve update.

I’m starting to lose track. Long-slow-diagonal-parking-lot-walkers, fire-zone-lane-parkers, lane-change-no-signalers, captive-audience-cell-phone-yammerers, taking-forever-to-leave-a-parking-spotters, same-time-phone-talkers, hello-non-responders, beautiful Carmel Valley has them all in abundance. And now we can add one more.

Wait-until-after-the-grocery-items-have-been-totaled-to-slowly-bring-out-the-checkbook-then-balance-it-and-slowly-write-the-checkers. Granted, these are always older women, but they are a menace.

And why do the grocery clerks allow the way-much-more-than-ten-items-in-the-ten-items-or-less-lane to be rung up? Boot their ass out of line. I’ll gladly wait.

Oh why, Slats and Nuggies, is it always up to me to figure these things out?

Louisville, North Carolina, Illinois and Syracuse in the final four. Connecticut can go out early and watch an insurance seminar for all I care. And look for UCLA to upset the dark prince,
Bobby Knight.

Saw my first “American Idol” Got to admit, it was pretty good. And I desperately wanted to hate Simon Cowell, but guess what? The guy is right. Paula Abdul is not doing anyone any favors by couching her remarks to save their feelings. Better they find out now why they need work.

At this point in the show no singer is really horrible. I physically cannot stand to watch somebody who obviously thinks they are good really suck. Anyone who has had the pain of really sucking in public, like I have with both stand up comedy and the harmonica, should feel likewise.

But I'm very sensitive like that.

And, no, you cannot make me say it, I refuse. Ah, no, no, no, OK, OK, I give, I give:

Hoobastank, Hoobastank, Hoobastank!

Cooking tips:

Had some leftover steak and made a sandwich with toast, mayo, sliced tomatoes, melted cheese and onions. Mmmmm, mmmm, mmmm. But here is the most important part of making a sandwich, or sandguido, as I like to call them: the smoosh. (The smoosh? You've lost it for good. I let that whole Hoobastank nonesense go, but you've lost it)

No, the smoosh is the easiest and most important part of making a sandguido. The English take it to extremes and fasten bricks on their huge sandwiches to give them that extra smoosh. (Yeah, and their best dish comes in a dirty newspaper) Good point.

But no, the good hard smoosh compacts it, makes for neater eating, and blends all the ingredients together.

Remember, next sandwich, or sandguido, give her a big -ol smoosh. You'll be glad you did.

(Polite applause)

Damn, I'm gonna have to start charging for this stuff pretty soon . . .