Tuchus McGoose is on the loose, he's full of juice and this ain't no ruse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers





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Megyn Kelly has hinted she would like to return to "Fox News."  "Fox News," is going along and putting on a supportive blackface.





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Do you remember back when one of the greatest journalists, Bob Woodward, wrote a book that ended with Donald Trump's lawyer saying Trump is not capable of telling the truth?

Those were simpler times.






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It is not believable anyone from Florida could be stupid enough to mail dud bombs to famous democrats.

Headline:

"Florida man arrested for chasing liquor store customers with an alligator under his arm."

Oh. Right.








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Comedy tip #326:

There is no joke you cannot make funnier by ending the punchline with a squeeze of your crotch and making a loud clown-horn honking noise.





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Donald Trump tweeted a denial of a story he still uses his unsecured iPhone while on his unsecured iPhone.

That is like a child denying he put his hand in the cookie jar while his hand is stuck in the cookie jar.








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To say Megyn Kelly's show was cancelled due to her black-face comments is like saying the Titanic sank because of a lousy midnight buffet.








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Nobody was hurt, but a vintage Nazi plane crashed on the freeway near the Kardashian's homes.

It is official, Kanye West has too much money and time on his hands.




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Donald Trump blamed the media for the bombs sent to his enemies. Trump is the guy who farts in the car and blames a dead skunk in the road.





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Fresno man burned down a house using a blowtorch to kill spiders. 

This officially lets John Smoltz off the hook. He missed pitching a Braves game due to chest burns from ironing a shirt he was wearing.




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Presidents respond to a crisis: 

"Four score and seven years ago..." - Lincoln

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - FDR

"The people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon."  - GWB

"Mainstream media must clean up its act. FAST." - Trump




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This is the first World Series in memory to feature a Joc, Mookie and Kike.







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Four words: Chipotle Guacamole For Everyone. Oh, and a private jet. 

#IfIWonTheLottery




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After much anticipation of a character getting killed off, "Modern Family" revealed it was DeDe, Jay's ex and Mitchell and Claire's mom.  

Not exactly J.R. getting shot, now was it?







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A Fresno man said he burned down a house using a blow torch to kill black widow spiders. 

He's in trouble now, the accepted colloquialism is African American Marriage-Survivior Spiders.






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"Why did we think this drivel would be of any use?"

- Russians to Chinese listening in on Trump's unsecured iPhone.