Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Oh yeah? Well we celebrate Taco Wednesdays. Go ahead, call me a rebel, I don't care, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The over-and-under countdown until the Dallas Cowboys' Ezekiel Elliott does something really stupid is seven days.

In an interview, Paul McCartney admitted that he and John Lennon once masturbated with three other guys in a circle until John yelled out "Winston Churchill" and killed the mood.

Not sure what line this crosses, but it definitely crosses it.

In an interview, Norm Macdonald criticized the #MeToo movement and defended Roseanne Barr and Louis CK. The interview was done on the "I Want To Get Out of Show Business" radio show.

Donald Trump seemed gleeful in describing Hurricane Florence as "tremendously big and tremendously wet." So gleeful, Trump instinctively ordered Michael Cohen to pay Florence $130,000 to be quiet.

After his miraculous 20-point comeback win, Aaron Rodgers is having a hard time rehabbing his injured knee. He wants to get into the exercise pool, but he keeps walking on top of the water instead.

How did we ever get by without a football analyst named Booger?

It was two years ago when the ESPN Fantasy Football site went down. Which is more than any woman did to a guy playing Fantasy Football.

CNN reported the danger from Hurricane Florence is not just the 130 MPH winds. It is from the increase in water too.

Wow. A hurricane has to get up pretty early in the morning to fool CNN.

Since you asked:

Outside of my office door, I could hear Wally pacing and scuttling about. It was 6:00 PM. How he knows when it is his walk time, I have no idea, but he does. 

The problem? All my Under Armor underwear, the kind that are like bike shorts, but thinner, are in the wash. Do I blow off the walk and break Wally's heart? Oh, hell no.

Decided I would go on the walk free-balling. Yep, chafing to the 'taint and the boys be damned. 

It is a little something we chosen few like to call being a hero.

You're welcome.

The Anatomy of a Trump Lie

Donald Trump lies. Even his most ardent followers know this, they have seen him caught on tape lying, ala the Stormy Daniels payment, countless times.

But I think Trump’s admirers think he thinks of lying like poker players think of bluffing. If it works, it is a skill. That’s not true, of course. Lying is lying. 

The “Washington Post” fact-checker says Trump has lied seven times a day since he has been in office. 

But, on this sad day of remembrance, a lie Trump told during his campaign about what he did on September 11th, 2001, really stands out. Even for Trump.

In the 2016 speech, Trump says, attempting to compliment the 9/11 rescuers, but so narcissistic, he had to compliment himself too, said the rescuers dug in to find survivors  and that, get this, he, Donald Trump, pitched in to help them.  

Got that? 

When the flames were still smoldering on the ruble, Trump said he helped the rescuers look for survivors. Rescuers who are now dying of cancer as a result of the toxins they took in 17 years ago.

The problem?

Trump has countless witnesses that have him cowering in Trump Tower the entire day of 9/11. Two days later, Trump made his first appearance at Ground Zero and gave an interview to a German TV station, but he never helped the rescuers.

Donald Trump lied about helping the September 11th rescuers.

On the day of the worst catastrophe of most of our lies, 3,000 innocently senselessly slaughtered, Donald Trump lied about pitching in to help the rescuers find survivors. 

Let that sink in. Not all lies are the same. But this lie is unspeakably horrible and unforgivable.

That is as despicable as anyone can be about September, 11th, right? Wrong.

There is a taped phone conversation of Donald Trump doing an interview, right after the towers collapsed, where Trump actually brags that, now that the Twin Towers are gone, his 40 Wall Street building is the tallest downtown. 

That almost makes me sick and terrifies me as to how much egomania has infected Donald Trump’s brain. Forget 3,000 people dying in a fiery collapse, he now has the tallest building downtown. 

For the love of god, would someone else lie and tell this asshole his penis is not tiny?

Here is my list of comedians who have already made it big as comedians and are famous among comedians, but who are one big show away from becoming big stars and household names:

Iliza Schlesinger. “Time” magazine just listed her as someone to stream. She has moved up from clubs to theaters and sells out all over the world. She is legitimately hot looking and smarter than a whip. Good combination. Many Netflix specials, all are good in a Ted Talk kind of way. And she has a cool guy as a new husband, Smokey Husky. He and I exchanged tweets after he was on "Chopped." 

Gary Gulman. This guy is a genuine wordsmith and a guru at making observations about day-to-day life from Chipotle to iPhones. He is a master story teller as witnessed by his incredible bit on the documentary of the people who were tasked with abbreviating each state to two letters for the post office in 1973. He is honest about his bouts with depression. A 6.6 handsome ex-jock who is sensitive. Great combo. Deserves to be a star.  Gulman tours like crazy and always writes new material. Hollywood would be crazy not to throw money at this guy to produce his own pilot. 

Nikki Glaser. She is huge inside the comedy world and now is busting out into the larger entertainment world. Also legitimately hot looking and sexy as hell because she does not thinks she is sexy, but she is. Her legs are other-worldly. Think a tall, sexier Amy Schumer, if Amy Schumer was not a crude, joke-stealing hack. Nikki, unlike Amy, when she gets her break-out shooting star moment, will deserve it.

Bert Kreischer. The guy who looks like the Limp Biscuit guy. He is funny as hell in a everyman/knucklehead, party animal kind of way. But he is also a good dad and husband. Not cerebral, on the blue side, but he has absolutely no fear. Gonads bigger than bowling balls.

Deon Cole. Was a big fan of him back when he was a writer doing bits on "Conan," like January Jones. His bit when he gave comments while riding a desk moving across the stage and ending all jokes with "Then shut the hell up" was amazing. He wrote and was a regular on "Blackish." How a staff had a cool guy like this and an uber dork like Jordan Schlansky is hard to fathom. 

And here are the comedian ready to replace these four’s spots as up-and-coming comedians who make it huge among comedians. Think Louis C.K. before all the jerking off. 

Emma Willman. She is like Ellen’s younger and edgier sister. Her act is her life: she is a lesbian from a small town in Maine. And she is candid about her learning disabilities. All of this adds up to an honest, genuine and really sweet person. And she is funny as hell. Have written jokes for her, so I admit I am biased, but she is the real thing. Honestly feel and hope she makes it big. 

Dan LaMorte. Follow him on Twitter and have seen his stand up on YouTube. Burly bearded guy. Great stuff about being an ex-jock and stoner living at home. And he is a good writer. I am biased for good Twitter writers. And a nice guy. 

Erica Rhodes. A legitimate working actress who has had big parts on “Modern Family” and others. Being hot looking also does not hurt Erica. She is also smart and a damn good writer on Twitter. 

Babs Gray. Sexy in the busty librarian way. Also a great Twitter writer and climbing in the stand up world in LA. 

Marie Connor. Have not seen her act, but she is beyond brilliant on Twitter. Politically savvy and succinct. Damn good writer. Also a lesbian. Mention it because, like Emma, it is a big part of her act.

Claude Shires. We were La Jolla Comedy Store buddies. He has done a few national commercials. McDonalds included. Used to beg him to do his "Groundskeeper Willy" impression from "The Simpsons." Good family man and very talented. One of the last of our 90's La Jolla Comedy Store crew connections with Bobby Lee, who took off on "Mad TV" and Vicky Barbolak who, as we speak, is getting way overdue recognition on "America's Got Talent." (I've got a whole other story about Vicky for another occasion that will turn your genitals to hummus) 

Lang Parker. Good ol' Wisconsin girl and world class dog owner with the cutest dog in the world besides Wally, Bennie. She works hard, hits the road in her car drives all night to perform in Oregon, Washington and Arizona - takes Bennie with her - and deserves a huge, big ass break. She is very funny and has a ton of positive energy. Clean too.