Friday, August 31, 2018

Lace up your Chucks and skattywag out this shadoobie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers  

They decided not to let Madonna repeat her "VMA" tribute to Aretha at her funeral. They were afraid the sound of Aretha spinning in her grave would drown everything out.

In France, a beach was closed due to swimmers being attacked by a horny dolphin. Side note, Elton John's song, "Tiny Dancer," was originally called "Horny Dolphin."

What probably gave Aretha Franklin the serenity and peace to slip away was the knowledge Pete Davidson would be at her funeral.

Fashion Week in London will feature the world's first robot fashion model. It is like a regular fashion model only it eats more and is more compassionate to humans.

Eminem's new album is titled "Kamikaze." It is aptly named because, after listening to it, you will want to crash into something.  

A study claims no amount of alcohol is good for you. This study was conducted by people who have not had to have a drink after a 5:00 PM writing deadline with nothing written at 4:15 PM, you snotty, judgmental rat-bastards.

(Sorry, that got away from me there at the end) 

Since you asked:

Tried my daughter's chili and lime-flavored Lays potato chips. How truth-in-advertising laws do not force them to call them vomit-flavored potato chips, I do not know. 

Does anyone else find the brilliant and hilarious Sacha Baron Cohen's humiliation of even the worst people on the planet, like OJ Simpson, hard to watch? I sure do. 

Having said that, Donald Trump likes to brag he is the only one smart enough to have figured out Sacha Baron Cohen's Ali G ruse and walk out on him.

Like most things Trump says, that is a revised lie. 

We, the audience, are in on the fact that the brilliant Sacha Baron Cohen's rapper-wannabe, Ali G, is a mouth-breathing idiot. 

As a result, you see very famous and important people stifling laughs, showing impatience and indignation, but nobody was rude to him.

While interviewing Buzz Aldrin, Ali G asked why we haven't flown to the sun. Buzz, notorious for being thin-skinned like Donald Trump, patiently explains why that would not work. Ali G replies,

"But we could try and go at night."

The people being interviewed have no idea Ali G is a gag. Including Donald Trump. Donald Trump was just the first person to be rude enough to get up and walk out on what he thought was simply a dim-witted interviewer. Just like he mocked the handicapped reporter.

What is that old saw? You can measure a man by how he treats people who cannot benefit him? By that and each and every other barometer, Donald Trump is righteous trash.

Underrated word-smith comedian, Gary Gulman, does a hilarious bit about the documentary of the meeting of people responsible for abbreviating all of the states to two letters for the Post Office. (Dottie, the lush minx, wise-cracking secretary, is hilarious) 

He talks about how when they got bogged down on Missouri, Michigan, Minnesota, and Mississippi, shots were fired. Enemies became friends, friends became enemies. To say nothing of all the states that start with New.

So they brought in a pro. They hired a contractor. Not a CONtractor, a conTRACTOR. The wizard of apostrophesation, the god of the sky comma. He came up with O’Clock. Before that, everyone was saying “Off the clock.” He said, “I can get rid of the ffthe.” 

Would’ve, could’ve and should’ve became the holy trinity of regret. (Also modal auxiliaries) 

His most controversial was using an apostrophe to contract will not. They said he would not dare contract will not without an L. He said, “I won’t? I just did.”

It got me to thinking, slang already takes liberties with the apostrophe. Didn’t, which already as an apostrophe from did not, has been shortened again to d’n’t. As in, “Oh no he d’n’t.” Yes he did. Or I should say, yes he d’d. 

So, I thought, why not run with it? Just use an apostrophe, or the sky comma, when you feel like it. 

Donald Trump would be D’n’ld Tr’mp.  

You could write someone is a m’th’rf'ck’r and get away with it. Or a c’ck s’ck’r.      

And Tomi Lahren would be a c’nt.