Thursday, February 01, 2018

We're gonna slow the roll to the pole, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

L.A. Police have named Robert Wagner as a person-of-interest in the drowning of his wife, Natalie Wood. When I saw the news, I could not believe my pager.

L.A. Police have named Robert Wagner as a person-of-interest in the 40-year-old drowning of his wife, Natalie Wood. In a related story, Donald Trump has just cancelled his Catalina boat trip with Hope Hicks.

L.A. Police have named Robert Wagner as a person-of-interest in the 40-year-old drowning of his wife, Natalie Wood. For those not familiar, person-of-interest is a police term for “The bastard did it, we just have to prove it.”

L.A. Police have named Robert Wagner as a person-of-interest in the 40-year-old drowning of his wife, Natalie Wood. The LA police had time to work on this case after solving the killing of Konk the caveman by the sabertooth tiger at the La Brea tar pits.

CA rep., Maxine Waters, has proposed a child-warning prompt appear when Donald Trump is on TV. If politicians are not careful, they may start to seem a tad silly.

Virgin Airlines is offering a ‘love suite” on flights where couples can have sex on their flight to New York. Finally, the airlines are allowing us to screw ourselves for a change.

Since you asked:

Not a big car guy, but Twitter had #YourFirstVehicle and it sent me reminiscing. A fire engine red Dasher station wagon. I would throw a windsurfer in the back and sail in Santa Barbara Harbor. After, I would quaff beer and devour a burger at Derf’s. 

Heaven on earth.

It got me to playing the fastest way to drive yourself crazy, playing “What if?” 

Once I casted out the unrealistic scenarios of being an NFL player - thanks to an asshole high school football coach making me play on a torn hamstring - and surgeon, movie star and rock star, I settled into a more realistic scenario.

What if I had known about my tight muscles and stretched more? And what if I had not been such a douche about not studying in high school? Honestly, I could have conceivably gotten into UCLA or even Stanford and competed in the decathlon. 

Afterwards, a dream career would have been a combination of sports writing and or sports casting. 

Well, when I think about it, going to UCSB, training for the decathlon and writing comedy is not that far off on paper. In fact, in most ways better. Stanford did not have the great Sam Adams as a coach, and therefore the greatest people I have ever met, the folks with whom I trained. 

And either way, I could not ask for more than being the father of my amazing daughter, Ann Caroline. 

Got to admit, realizing that feels pretty good. 

But, anyway I slice it, that wedge-style haircut when I got married was a freaking mistake. Sorry to my lovely bride, Virginia. 

At UCSB, I knew about ten Hope Hicks. When Donald Trump tries to Scaramucci his side-piece, Hope Hicks?, she will not go quietly into that good night. We’re talking full Gloria Allred press conference. Tears and ehh-eeee-thang.  

Did everyone see Melania’s expressions during the SOTU? If you had snuck a piece of coal under Melania’s seat, each time Trump mentioned the importance of love and family, by the end of the speech, Melania would have had a diamond under her ass.

Actually saw a comedy scene on TV that had neither Fred Armisen, Patton Oswalt, Will Farrell, nor Sara Silverman. They are sending it off to the vaults at the Smithsonian.

Newest Bucket-List Items:

Sucking the head of a huge shrimp in a Lisbon sidewalk cafe after stand up paddle board surfing all morning. Massive quantities of port consumption to follow after playing harmonica in a blues band in a cozy bar.

Reducing a vaping Silver Lake hipster with a neckbeard to hot girlie tears with my withering sarcasm. (Oh, come on, everybody hates vaping Silver Lake hipsters with neckbeards) 

Grilling tri-tip for my daughter and her roommates in San Luis Obispo after watching their track practice. 

Flying on a private jet while drinking an Old Style beer and eating a In-N-Out burger. 

Stand Up Paddle boarding around Alcatraz followed by a juicy steak dinner in North Beach. 

(Sorry drinking champagne in a Jacuzzi with Victoria Secret models in a hilltop villa in Montecito, you'll just have to wait) 

One of the the funny things that becomes readily apparent when you see these Washington talking heads interviewed on CNN is that it turns into a battle for the clever metaphors. 

“Well, Jake, this bill before congress is the prom, everybody wants to get invited, but nobody wants to end up pregnant neither.”

That is the other thing about homilies, bad grammar is a plus.

“This ain’t this here congressman’s first rodeo no how.” 

Sports are also a great option;

“So far the democrats are bowling a 7-10 split and they need the pick up, but it will not be easy.”  “It’s the fourth quarter, Ted, and the republicans need a hail Mary.”

Southern and Texas politicians have always been revered for their homey and country bromides; 

“This proposal is slicker than quail poop on a river rock.”

“When the fox is in the hen house ain’t no time to be yellin’ about how many broken eggs you got.”

"No point in going to the barn dance if you're not going to kick the butter churn." 

Let’s see a bit more creativity to liven things up, like,

“Hell, we’re just trying to revise the bill, we don’t have to clean up after murdering a hooker,” is one from “Sh*t My Dad Says,” that will raise a few eyebrows.

Luckily, nobody was hurt on the train, but when 100 republican congressmen were in a train wreck right after a government shut-down with a republican congress and president, even Betsy DeVos had to think that was ironic. 

And Betsy DeVos thinks ironic is an injury you get from too much ironing.

Just once, I would like to see a political pundit come back from a 4 martini lunch, get on TV and just make crap up for fun;

“This Russia investigation is really a Kansas City barbwire bowtie on a bull’s scrotum, Anderson.”

"Yeah, Mike, just because you're at the zoo and the monkey threw poop on you, that does not mean you have to get your gallbladder removed." 

“Chris Cuomo, what we have is a real basset hound-hump on a beehive. Congress hasn’t been this messed up since grammie smoked crack and jumped the UPS guy.”

Or combine sports and hick talk;

"Sally, the democrats are trying to dress up a barn owl as a baboon and that is not going to get the bobsled out of Jamaica." 

Or just go total made up BS rogue on your ass;

"Sometimes the best skankwaddle is the bersmitten flank loodle." 

Made up poker crap always sounds smart,

"Megyn, if you have a pocket deuce, you don't snap dragon the flop with a parrot squeezer without a suicide King." 

Go weird if you have to; 

“Don Lemmon, this investigation is crazier than when the substitute teacher got drunk and showed our history class a porno.” 

Bring in some classic jokes if you have to; 

“Phil, it seems like the housewife screwed the postman and gave him his cake, but she forgot to give him a dollar.” 

Or quotes from movies, like paraphrasing “Full Metal Jacket,”;

“Yes, Jake, the voters just gave the Alabama republicans one right in the tail-pipe and they did not have the damn courtesy to give them a reach-around.”

Or "Blazing Saddles;"

"Trump did not get a harrumph out of that guy and he better watch his ass." 

Sure, you might get fired from your consulting job, but it would be memorable.