Tuesday, May 30, 2017

White House communications director, Michael Dubke resigned. The statement he issued was awkward: "Me no wanna be kumuncashion docterector."

Dallas Cowboy, Nolan Carroll, was arrested for a DUI. When it comes to the Uber app, apparently NFL stands for Not Fully Loaded.

According to police, Tiger Woods blew a 0.0 on the alcohol test. For most people that would be good, but Tiger was looking to shoot below par.

According to police, Tiger Woods was asleep when they approached his vehicle and was groggy and disoriented. Just like lately when he plays golf.

Over a year ago a 22-year-old transgender Japanese chef chopped up his genitals and served them to his patrons. And here I thought chefs were supposed to put their heart in their cooking. 

Over a year ago, a 22-year-old transgender Japanese chef chopped up his genitals and served them to his patrons. None of them have been able to eat franks and beans since.

Kendall Jenner responded to her father, Caitlyn Jenner’s, biography by yelling “That’s insane.” It may be insane, but it isn’t nuts.

Donald Trump’s communication director, Mike Dubke, resigned. That is shocking. Trump had a communication director? (The type of obvious joke that will be duplicated) 

Arresting police describe Tiger Woods as incoherent and arrogant. You can’t be both incoherent and arrogant. Oh, right. The Kardashians.

NFL to relax penalties for touchdown celebrations. "This is the best news I have ever heard," said nobody on the Cleveland Browns.

Since you asked:

Although I am neither a fan of Ariana “I hate Americans” Grande nor her pro-pedophile look, but kudos for her benefit concert for Manchester.

Tiger Woods will go down in history as the biggest loser ever worth $750 mil with 14 major wins and a 100-foot yacht.  

In retrospect, my favorite part of Trump’s trip was when he hot-boxed the Pope Mobile.

So Taylor Swift, while amazingly talented, is quite a bitch, huh? When you’re the bad guy in a rift involving Kanye West, that is saying something.

Perfectly made French roast coffee with a little maple syrup, milk and dash of cinnamon is other-worldly good. 

One of the best things in the world is inexpensive but good red wine. 

If I had to choose one thing as the most underrated thing in the world, I would either pick fresh squeezed orange juice or walking my dog, Wally. 

If you have a job where they, A, pay for your Starbucks-or-even-snottier coffee and, B, send someone to get it? You’re kicking my ass but good. 

Just one day I want to be that Hollywood producer who works out, takes a steam bath, gets a massage while his car is being detailed and his suit is being pressed, and then gets on the phone to his assistant to tell her to make him a reservation at Dan Tana’s because he has had a rough day. 

Smart companies can create an environment so great in creature comforts it will induce loyalty beyond reasonable financial compensation. 

Forward-thinking places, like Google and Apple, know that providing child care, movie theaters, game rooms, great and free food, exercise facilities and classes including climbing walls, a pool and, best of all, meditating/napping rooms can sway otherwise insanely tempting offers from the competition. 

Just having been provided great and free coffee is mind-blowing to most people, including me. (It never ceases to blow my mind how otherwise nice places, like an office or a hotel, can have awful coffee. That is so important and yet so cheap and easy to fix) 

No less of a corporate giant than Lee Iacocca - the inventor of the Mustang and the savior of Chrysler - was brought to tears at the thought of leaving the Ford dinning room replete with waiters donning white gloves and white jackets while serving cheeseburgers made out of ground chateaubriand and mind-blowing wine and martinis flowing like a waterfall even during the day. 

For Iacocca, the idea of an Italian immigrant’s kid from the wrong side of the tracks of Allentown, Pennsylvania, a town with no real right side of the tracks, eating at a linen and crystal palace like that everyday for lunch, let alone for free, was like winning the lottery. And having to leave it was almost too much for him to bear.  

When I interviewed to be the head of track and field marketing at Nike circa 1994, the thought of working with world class work out facilities and one of the nicest bars and grills in house was beyond titillating. Never mind that the two-day interview process almost ended with me being tossed out by security. 

But to a truly wise person, these perks - as we have come to call them, lazily short for perquisite - have their limits. 

Believe me, I know. 

As a genuinely unwise young man living after college in virtual heaven in Santa Barbara, with instant and endless access to the company of gorgeous women and windsurfing, the thought of belonging to a pricey/fancy local gym, the-still-there Santa Barbara Athletic Club, with great facilities and its own bar and grill, was my idea of heaven. 

So much so, I moved to New York and Wall Street because part of the package (thanks to my parents giving me the $500 down-payment) was a discounted membership to the Downtown Athletic Club. One of the nicest and swankiest clubs in the world. While I did take full advantage of working out at the DAC almost everyday and often enjoying their amazing steak sandwiches in the oak-paneled grill afterwords, I was so homesick for Santa Barbara I was borderline nauseous. 

One of the things I have learned while "working" as a comedy writer is that, if you love what you're doing, you don't care about the time you put in. When I was a broker in La Jolla, although I did it a lot, I despised working late and on weekends.

Now I go to sleep each night mentally writing jokes. And no, smart ass, not just because my jokes are so good at putting people to sleep. 

Two good grammar tips: A, the word bear was used long before it was given to the big furry animal. The animal fit the word, not the other way around. B, an indefinite pronoun is a thing. Anybody. Or Something. 

As a man, however, I would not want to be described as an indefinite pronoun.

How do you make Sean Spicer dweedle slightly in his drawers? Start with the statement, "This weekend the president tweeted . . . "

While maybe not fitting the parameters of a Ford Agency model, I find comedian, Chelsea Perretti, torch-hot. 

(Uh huh, dat's right, I used the Oxford comma) 

When she and her hubby, Jordan Peele, have their child, go ahead and enter that kid in the Comedy Hall of Fame. 

Just a simple "Thank you" for making your day, Chelsea, will suffice

While San Diego Padres announcer, Don Orsillo, is a perfectly good announcer and a seemingly nice man, and lord knows I like me my Mudcat, aka, Mark Grant, it is impossible to measure how much Padres broadcasts miss Dick Enberg’s golden-honey, mellifluous voice. Mellifluous. 

Even if Orsillo was awful, at least he isn’t that insanely smug and ear-humping-annoying tool, Ted Leitner. Leitner is almost as awful as that weasel-faced, sexual-harassment-predator Scott Kaplan.

But mom said if you don't have anything nice to say . . . 

While I am not a fan of Donald Trump and a huge fan of Kathy Griffin, as ballsy at it was, her beheading-Trump picture went too far. Inciting violence is what Trump did and liberals lost their ever-loving minds. Aligning yourself, even in a bad joke, with a gruesome practice of ISIS is way too much.

But the attacks against Griffin have gone way too far as well. 

Everyone who has met Kathy Griffin all say she is amazingly nice and down-to-earth. She was probably too nice to the photographer  going against her better judgement to try his idiotic severed-head idea. 

But, even if it was a bad joke, it was still just a joke. Relax folks.