Sadly, Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne are splitting up after 33 years of marriage. Sharon is citing inaudible differences. 

Ozzie asked the press to respect their privacy at this difficult time. That or he asked depressed spectacles of piracy at debacle shine.

The 2-1 favorite, Nyquist, won the Kentucky Derby. A horse named Kasich was running dead last but then announced it would stop running. 

A Florida woman called the police after she claims she tasted semen in her KFC food. “So how did you know it tasted like semen?” asked the 1,000 men who want to date her. 

Ted Cruz is like the high school nerd who ran his election on knowing all the details about the student body, but lost to the football jock who promised everyone, if elected, he would get the cheerleaders to show their boobs.