Sunday, April 24, 2016

Lindsay Lohan is converting to Islam. Not to give away espionage secrets, but this is part of the CIA’s plot to have Lohan infiltrate and bring down ISIS. 

South Korea claims North Korea launched missiles from a submarine. Turns out they just threw swimming noodles from a Batman blow-up pool raft. 

After just passing on Thursday, Prince’s body was cremated Saturday for a private service. What is amazing is, even after he was cremated, Prince is still more talented than Justin Bieber.


Like the old saw says, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on you for lying to me a second time after I gave you chance to make good, you lying rat bastard. 

Just saw a commercial of Preparation H Flushable Wipes. That has to be a mixed emotions call for an actor from his agent. “Good news. You got a national commercial.” 

Again, actors who have amazing voices, like Sam Elliot, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman, I get why they get jobs narrating commercials. But why do they give voice-over jobs to billionaire actors with normal voices like Bryan Cranston, Clooney, Bacon and Jon Hamm? Give those jobs to starving actors with great voices. 

Dottie Pepper has to be the greatest name in golf. The name even sounds like golf applause. “Dottie Pepper, Dottie Pepper, Dottie Pepper.” If you can't say Dottie Pepper with a southern accent, you will never be able to fake a southern accent. "Well, now, I do declare, if it isn't good ol' Dotty Pepper. Bourbon?" 

Sleep is the new sleep. 

“Are we going to dance all night with your hand on my ass, or are you going to make a move?” Is a line I have been trying to work into a conversation since I heard Redford say it in “Spy Games” weeks ago. Apparently people don’t feel the need to verbally dance with their hand on my ass. 

Jimmy Fallon made a great point in the “SNL” tribute to Prince. How many people have their own color? 

Read about the poodle who barked incessantly at the front door. They went to see who it was, but nobody was there. When they returned to the dining room, the dog was on the table eating their pizza. 

Be warned. The revolution is near. 

Happy National Zucchini Bread Day. Zucchini bread is the Kourtney Kardashian to Banana Bread and Pumpkin Bread.

Reason #732 why I am not president. Right now I would say, 

“OK, I’ve had it. Send Seal Team 6 into North Korea, capture that schnauzer-snacking, oily-faced tubby troll, Kim Jong-Un and bitch-slap him on live TV until he A, cries and B, wets his pants.”

But if I was president, it would be illegal for children to name dogs. Kids can name cats. Nobody cares what a cat is named, especially the cat. But I saw this awesome dog the other day and his name was Peanut. A crying shame. 

Went on Twitter last night after 12 pm, which I guess I’ve never done before, and it turns into one horny social media site. I saw Kim Kardashian’s ass more than her panties do. 

Just saw the “SNL” tribute to Prince. Now, I don’t want to say it sucked, but it sucked. If you didn’t know better you would think Fred Armisen had died. (God forbid, I am a huge Freddy the A fan) 

Ernest Hemingway said his writing secret was the power of less. He said his best short story was written in six words: “For Sale: Baby Shoes. Never Worn.” 

Here is my attempt at a six word short story: “We thought we could make it.”