Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Doctors are warning the new male hairstyle a “Man-bun” can lead to baldness. And a there’s a 100% chance a man-bun will lead to douche-bagginess.

OJ Simpson almost killed himself in Kim Kardasian’s childhood bedroom before the White Bronco chase. Can you imagine? Something beneficial to society almost happened in a Kardashian bedroom.

A college in Utah has banned Man-Buns on campus. But the Man-Buns are allowed inside the classroom of Douche-Bags 101.

Republican candidate, Jeb Bush believes the Washington Redskins should not change their name. And if there is someone who has thought long and hard about changing his name, it is Jeb Bush.

Twitter is planning to allow users to go beyond the 140 character limit. Yeah, because that was what was wrong with Twitter, people not yammering enough.

Whole Foods is laying off 1500 workers. But Whole Foods told the fired workers not to worry, they will be organically, locally, seasonally and sustainably fired.

Whole Foods is laying off 1500 workers. It was that or lower the price of their grapes by $20-a-pound, and they weren’t going to do that.

A Washington State man, high on meth, shot himself in the groin and the bullet lodged in his scrotum. Authorities have no choice but to extradite him to Florida.

The Chicago Cubs are in the playoffs. When asked to comment, a Cub fan said; “Well, there is always next year . . . wait, what?”

Since you asked:

Dear Anthony Bourdain;

Just watched a “Best of” your show “Parts Unknown.” While I used to consider myself a fan, listen up, you smug, no-talent, snotty, Herman Munster-looking, ex-junkie, alcoholic egomaniac.

You made me listen to you talk about how hard you work and how wonderful you are? You won the goddamn lottery of jobs. You get paid a fortune to do the only four things you are remotely good at: drink, eat, swear and travel. Most of us have to wait for vacation from real jobs to do those things.

Sure, you fancy yourself Hemingway incarnate, but you can’t talk for one minute without dropping an F-bomb. For someone who considers themselves an intellectual, my dog, Wally, has about as much education as you do.

Look, I used to have nothing but pride and envy for someone, like you, who has the balls to snag a dream job, but then to have to listen to you complain about how hard the job is nearly made me puke my Trader Joe’s chicken fried rice.

Right now, Anthony, the hatred I have for you is beyond what inspires an entire Turkish prison to gang-rape a snitch to death.

Have a nice day.

You pal,