Monday, February 23, 2015

Glen Campbell plus

Marc Maron* equals
Sean Penn

TMZ claims Bruce Jenner will be cut out of the next season of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” And yet that is not the most important thing that will be cut out of Bruce.  

J.K. Simmons won best supporting actor for “Whiplash.” The bad news? His Farmers Insurance doesn’t cover Oscar damage.

Embarrassing moment at the Oscar when John Travolta introduced Benedict Cumberbatch as Cumberdict Bendabitch.

The Oscars were good. I especially liked it at the end when host Neil Patrick Harris thanked the seat filler who sat on top of Kanye West the whole show.

“Birdman” was the second lowest grossing best picture Oscar winner. That’s why the sequel will be named “50 Shades of Birdman.” 

Everyone in Hollywood was thrilled by J.K. Simmons Oscar for best supporting actor in “Whiplash.” Everybody but the ad agency for “Farmers Insurance.”

Since you asked:

Somewhere between fast-forwarding past Best Foreign Key Grip and Best Short Animated Live film, it occurred to me the Oscars could be the best one hour show on television.

Besides all the “Best Who Gives a Crap?” awards followed by the “Nobody gives a Crap” acceptance speeches, do we really need to hear a speech from the makeup guy?

And I am starting to get the sneaking suspicion even gay men – sorry NPH-  are tired of song and dance numbers. Neil Patrick Harris could host a plumber’s convention and it would be good. The Oscars weren’t much better than that.

Between the awesome John Legend and that other guy’s song, “Glory” and Lady Gaga’s “Sound of Music” tribute, how are you going to do better than that?

Is anyone seriously wondering why Joan Rivers – such a huge presence at the Oscars – was left off the memoriam? How many egomaniacal, small-minded Hollywood types are still fuming at her red carpet jokes? That is why she was left off the memoriam.

New award show rule: no thanking agents, publicists, business managers, lawyers or accountants. Or producers. 

The only Oscar controversy was Sean Penn’s awkward green card "joke" before awarding best picture to “Birdman’s” Alejandro Gonzalez. There will be a new award next year: Actor who best shows the need to hire professional comedy writers.

When I lived in New York, prior to Sean Penn almost beating Madonna to death with a Louisville Slugger, I ran behind Madge and Spicoli at the reservoir for a few minutes sizing them up. Their running pace was so excruciatingly slow it took a lot of patience. Madonna seems tiny, bitchy, annoying and kind of cute. Madonna looks like she would be a lot of fun when she wasn’t busy being Madonna.

Sean Penn? Without any reservations at all, I will swear on my excellent judgment of people, Sean Penn is less than a rancid little fart of a human being. His hung-over, whisky-blush and cigarette smoke-tanned punk face is permanently pruned into a scowl that looks like it wants to fight. But his tiny weasel actor body wouldn’t last in a fight against a moldy dishrag for ten seconds.

Not going to lie. When I saw it was Madonna and Sean Penn jogging almost in place, I was excited. But when I sized them up, the disappointment was crushing. These two are our top celebrities?

In fairness, yes, Sean Penn can act. And Madonna can . . . well, be Madonna.

Every day going to work on Wall Street I saw an elevator full of far more impressive people.

*Not intended as a slam on Marc Maron in any way, I am a fan.