Tuesday, July 01, 2014

0h way ohhhhhh, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

A 95-year-old Arkansas man, Bud Jackson, set an age group record in the 100 meter breast stroke in 3.16.56. This beats the 95-year-old-man record of “Swimming 100 meters and not dying.”

A US student in Germany had to be helped by 22 emergency workers after getting stuck in a giant vagina statue. Technically this is called: Getting Kanye’d in the Kardashian.

I’m not sure all US sports fans get the World Cup; I heard one say three of the best teams were the Netherlands, Holland and that really good Dutch team.

In the World Cup you hate to accuse a team of flopping, but in their loss to Brazil, Chile fell on their back faster than Paris Hilton in a Learjet.

With their loss to Netherland, Mexico has advanced to the round of 16 six times in a row and lost. Nobody has had more problems with something that is 16 since, well, R. Kelly.

One of the World Cup discoveries has been the incredible psychological benefit of the stadium camera. When turned on to fans of losing teams, they go from abject sorrow to hysterical joy in seeing themselves on the big screen in a split second.

Great World Cup for the US team. Now US sports fans can go back to what we’re really good at: ignoring the hell out of soccer.

Lex’s World Cup Review

Great job, US team. We, meaning the US, are so proud. Great games, nobody, including me, thought you would advance to 16. Gutty games. Most unappreciated player ever? Michael Bradley.

Fact is, the US was derailed by three hamstring pulls. Most importantly, Jozie Altidore. He would have been the difference. With a healthy Jozie Altidore, the US is a deserving quarter-final qualifier. Without him? They’re not.

Nobody knows the potential for driving yourself insane by guessing “what if?” about a bad hamstring injury than yours truly. So let’s not do that.

The top eight teams of their groups advanced because they deserved to.

The good news for the US? Tim  Howard made 16 incredible saves.

The bad news for the US? Tim Howard had to make 16 incredible saves.