Friday, January 24, 2014

Bill Cosby will star in a family comedy on NBC; “Wow, that is great news,” said 1985.
Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami for drag-racing and a DUI; just when you think things are progressing in this country, the Miami police go and pick on a young lesbian.
In 1927, the average lineman weighed 190 lbs. Now the average is 300 pounds; the difference is one entire Bieber.
Ponzi-thief, Bernie Madoff suffered a heart attack in prison in Butner prison in North Carolina; the prison’s name is Butner? Was the name Ass-Hammer taken?
In sad news, the Captain and Tenille are getting divorced; the ugly rumor is she really did catch him having Muscrat love.
A woman in Victorville, CA had a baby that weighed 15 pounds; asked to comment, the woman said; “Ahhhhhhhhhhh.”
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie game his inaugural speech, Tuesday. It went well, so well, in fact, to celebrate, just for fun, Christie shut down the Bayonne Bridge. 
Some of the tickets for the upcoming Super Bowl in New Jersey’s Giant Stadium are going for one million dollars; but for that, after the game, Seattle Seahawk, Richard Sherman will give you your own private maniacal rant.
New research shows drinking red wine and eating dark chocolate can help fight diabetes; except for the people who got diabetes from drinking too much red wine and eating too much chocolate.

In sad news, the Captain and Tennille are getting divorced; in other news, there clearly is no other news.

Conan has a new bit: words that have never been used together before. Here is a.L.b.B.'s take on it:

"You look great in that thong, Gov. Christie."
"Sure, I'm a Cub fan, but I don't really care if they win or not."
"I'm a vegan, but if other people want to eat meat, that's fine with me."
"To be honest, I'd rather just be friends and cuddle, Paris Hilton."
"Just because I own a pit bull doesn't mean I'm a jerk."
"Excuse me, but I couldn't help but hear how your loud cell phone conversation was so damn fascinating." 
"Could I have some extra gluten?"
"Just because I work out everyday doesn't mean I don't want you to smoke." 
"What this adult film could use is more dialog."
"Sure, I took a picture of my dinner and posted it on Facebook, but I only did it once." 
"I've got to be candid, I think this long political tirade you posted on Facebook has really changed my opinion." 
"If only magazines put more of those loose subscription cards inside of them."
"No, I love being solicited when walking up to the grocery story."
"Justin Bieber is a great kid, he's just going through a phase." 
"Just because I go by the title Doctor and I am not a medical doctor, that in no way makes me pretentious and snotty."
"Yes, I am a medical doctor, but that doesn't mean I think I know everything." 

"See that woman-driver talking on her hand-held cell phone with the little lap-dog in her lap? She is an uncannily considerate driver." 

"Gosh, the parents of those skateboarders have to be so proud of them." 

"Wow, that older lady sure paid for her groceries quickly with her checkbook."

"Sure I am a regular Starbucks customer, but I just want a black coffee."

"This is so exciting, someone's at the door who wants to sell us something." 

"Look at those older people taking a walk on the sidewalk." 

"Yes, my child has food allergies, but that's our responsibility, not the school's." 

"Excuse me, coach, but are you sure my child isn't getting too much playing time? There are other kids on the team."

"Oh man, I got right through to a Time-Warner customer service representative."