Star Wars - Bill Murrays Song on SNL

Listen up, you kooky cats, I’m going out for a drink and a smoke, when I come back I want that horn section figured out, ‘cause I can’t work like this, capice, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Ten women sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor, Bob Filner; apparently San Diego is Spanish for Creepy Horn-dog.

Tiger Woods lead the Bridgestone Invitational by eight strokes and shot even par on Sunday to win by seven; as excitement goes, it was the sports equivalent of watching a glacier melt. 

New York Yankee two-time-drug-cheat, Alex Rodriguez, plans to appeal his suspension through 2014. A-Rod reminds me of the kid you didn’t want to invite to your birthday party, but he had his mom call your mom and now he’s coming.

OJ Simpson has put on almost 100 pounds in prison. OJ Simpson is so fat, he’s going to be inducted into the Haagen Dazs Hall of Fame.

OJ is so fat, his cellmate now calls him the Segway scooter; still fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to see you doing it.

Happy Birthday to President Obama who turned 52. When his term is up, Obama will be at that awkward age: too young to retire, too old to remember why he walked into the room.

Since you asked:

When I was a child, I fully expected that, when I grew up, my adult life would be an exact combination of Hugh Hefner and Batman. When not in the grotto sipping champagne with naked super models, I would be out fighting crime. Either way, I knew I would be a millionaire bachelor.

The other day, while cleaning the dog poop from the yard, I discovered my daughter’s purple underwear inside one of Wally’s deposits. 

How did my plan work out?

You know my super power of, no matter how big and un-crowded a grocery store, being able to have some oxygen-thief nob-head standing stupefied and transfixed right in front of whatever item I need to get?

Now it applies to SUP surfing. When you surf, the waves come in sets from either the north or the south. So when there is a wave forming you want to ride, there is a very specific spot you need to be to start paddling to catch it. Almost every time I looked up to see where that wave would take me, there was a snorkeler standing there with their stupid face stuck down in the water.