Just Do It

Three-time Olympic 1500 runner and Nike spokesperson, Suzy Favor Hamilton, admits to working as a Las Vegas call girl. Several former clients treated for extreme exhaustion. 

Well, at least now we know what the Favor stands for in Suzy Favor-Hamilton. 

Nike  has made a new shoe for Hamilton. The Nike Air-ror In Judgment. 

The hookers in Times Square are, excuse me, running with this. For an extra $50 they will Favor your Hamilton. 

As a former 1500 meter runner, Suzy would perform for her clients really fast for four minutes. So they would have to watch for the last two.

In a zoo in China, a tropical bird is yelling Eff You at the visitors. That is what happens when you name a bird Samuel L. Jackson.

Today is the end of the world. You know the best part of the end of the world? Knowing all those jerks who constantly bragged about all their credit card miles are going to lose them. 

New York is festive this time of year. The hookers in Times Square are offering a Holiday special. For an extra $50 they’ll smoke your Yule-time log.

Since you asked:

Not that I would dare to compare my jokes to Johnny Carson, but I do believe in Carson's skew-both-sides political philosophy. Why alienate half of your audience and cut out half of your potential material?

But when it comes to gun control I am drawing the line. When it comes to stopping tragedies like Sandy Hook, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution. If you are against gun control, you are part of the problem. 

As anyone with common sense knows, if that whack-job in Newtown didn't have guns, those kids would still be alive. Anyone who says different is crazy, stupid or selling their selfish agenda. Or, as in Sarah Palin, all three.

Never has the confusion between need and want been clearer than with guns. You don't need guns, you want them. 

Gun-nuts are the grown-up versions of the skinny, small kids in high school who took Karate because they thought it would keep the bullies away. All it did was provide a living for Karate teachers.