Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Swing low, sweet chariot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Italy’s disgraced prime minister, 76-year-old Silvio Berlusconi, revealed he is dating a 27-year-old woman. She is described as pretty and ambitious, he is described as swallowing Viagra like they’re M&M's.

It rained pretty hard in Los Angeles. In West Hollywood it rained so much it actually washed a straight guy into a movie theater showing “Anna Karenina.”

70 % of dog owners will buy their dog a Christmas present. This is why 90% of the rest of the world hates us.

The new University of California logo was scrapped when people complained the C on the U looked like a toilet lid. Sell the logo to USC so parents can visualize all that tuition money going down the toilet.

The Census Bureau says by 2043, white people will be in the minority. How exciting, there will be even more rap albums from white people, yippee.

A survey claims 33% of women say they feel sad after sex; the other 67% are just plain frustrated and pissed off.

A survey claims 33% of women say they feel sad after sex; the other 67% had enough spare batteries.

Since you asked:

Here are Lex’s five Holiday Traveling Tips:

1, Don’t do it.

2, Don’t do it.

3, Don’t do it.

4, Don’t do it.

And finally,

5, Don’t do it.

Don’t you love the newspapers this time of year? They feature a piece on the ravages of alcohol abuse during the holiday season right next to a festive recipe for red and green colored Christmas cocktails. 

Anyone who thinks Jerry Jones and the Cowboy staff did not know - as they now claim after the poop-storm of controversy - that drunk-driving-teammate-killer, Josh Brent, was on the sideline? Well, I got an over-sized-jumbo tron -to-compensate-for-a-Jerry-Jones's-tiny-penis to sell you.