Thursday, December 13, 2012

He ahh-ight an ehh-ee-thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers                             

People are getting in Christmas spirit. Yesterday at the Encino Galleria, I heard a Santa yell Ho, Ho, Ho. Turns out it he was just saying hi to the Kardashian sisters.

Maybe I am getting jaded on Christmas, but yesterday I heard a boy in mall Santa’s lap asking Santa where he could score some killer weed. And Santa told him.

What is wrong with the Lakers? The Los Angeles Lakers are having a rougher December than the makers of Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

Going to New York during the Holidays, so help me out. Do you wish your cab driver a Happy or Merry Jihad?

Dear Kanye West:

Re: 12-12-12. Good job. But how does it feel to know you got your asked kicked by a skinny, 69-year-old British guy, Mick Jagger?

Just wondering.


Dear Alicia Keys;

Shut up. Shut up. You had me at the first note you played and sang. Fan for life. Just the demographic I am sure you are going for.


Dear Chris Martin:

Uh, um, OK.


Dear Sandy Relief Shows:

Isn't it great no matter how many fundraising programs, concerts and shows, nobody, and I mean nobody wants anyone from the cast of "Jersey Shore"?

Good job.


Random Lex-icons

West Virginia is getting their long-johns in a twist over being portrayed badly in "Buckwild." Relax. You will be, but who cares? 

There is no such thing a reality TV if they know the camera is there. Put a camera on me and suddenly I am not lying on the couch in my ripped Chicago Bear sweats searching for new things to scratch. I am in my office on my laptop wearing a Navy blazer and smoking a pipe. 

And I don't smoke a pipe.

Can I get a what-what on the fact that the biggest dick move while driving is tailgating? 

There is a new phenomenon in my neighborhood I call reverse tailgating. That is when you are following someone a good three car lengths behind and they still get all pissed that you're too close and abruptly pull over for you to pass them. Dirty look included. 

Usually it is an old dude. 

Dear Red Neck Family Staying At This Hotel:

Besides no hot-boxing, there is only one firm and hard rule when it comes to elevator rules and etiquette: let the people off before you get in. That's it. 

And yet you cannot seem to grasp it. 

You and your evil spawn pull a Pickett's charge at the elevator as soon as the doors open forcing us to awkwardly walk around you while repeating "Excuse me" in a race to get out before the doors close. 

God you are morons.