Monday, May 07, 2012

From the Junior Seau paddle-out

He's a bidness dog who is given me the bidness right now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This weekend was the most exciting two minutes in sports; and besides the amount of time it took for the Mets to be eliminated from the playoffs, the Kentucky Derby was Saturday.

The Kentucky Derby was this weekend; I love a big floppy women’s hat, a ton of jewelry, an expensive designer dress, the spike heels. And that’s just what Steven Tyler was wearing.
Spirit Airlines is now going to charge $100 for a carry-on bag; apparently the Spirit in Spirit Airlines is extortion.

That’s like paying a guy not to urinate on your shoe. You pay, but then he urinates on your shoe; when you ask why, he says you only paid to protect one shoe. 

Since you asked:  

This is a fascinating aspect of Facebook: my Facebook friends range in wealth and social status from starving comedians looking to borrow a car to sleep in,  to actual European royalty. 

To my credit, 99.9% of my friends, whether rich or not, are smart, funny, kind, wonderful people. 

There was a girl in grade school who everybody liked. She was cute, very pretty, but friendly as she could be. Good at sports, but not a tomboy. Every boy - and probably quite  a few of the girls - had a crush on her. Including me.

Not only that, but she was even more interesting because her family was world-class wealthy. Multiple summer homes, a mansion-on-Lake Michigan, maids and butlers wealthy. 

So when I saw she was friends of an old high school friend, I thought, cool, I want her as a Facebook friend. And she was gracious enough to accept my friend request.

And she did not disappoint. 

Still very good looking and extremely fit with a strikingly handsome/beautiful family. They vacation at exotic resorts, have yachts docked all over the world. Chair fancy charitable functions. Impeccable manners, style, grace and class. They do great deeds for the community, nay, the world.

The problem?

From as close as I can tell she is the biggest most evil snotty beyatch who has ever lived. Madonna-during-a-hot-flash-plus-Martha-Stewart-with-a-burnt-roast times ten level of crazy beyatch. Picture, in terms of stuffiness, a younger Queen of England if she was as nasty, mean and bitter as Gloria Allred and you are barely getting close.

And unlike the only other uber beyatches I know - whom I write about in here - who could possibly measure up to her, this one has absolutely no trace of a sense of humor.  (No lie, I once heard Gloria Allred crack a joke. It was a bad joke, but it was a joke) 

Maybe there is an honest dose of schadenfreude on my part because she is so rich. But I knew she was rich before and I liked her. 

To be honest about the amount of difference between her wealth and mine, her family owns a couple of private jets. I have a wetsuit that has a hole in the crotch that lets in 52 degree water - just where you don't want it - because I don't want to shell out the bucks to buy a new one. 

There is an almost creepy voyeuristic aspect to Facebook in that you can follow friend's conversations that were clearly not intended for you. 

Someone following me would deduce, correctly, that I am a smart-ass, wise-cracking knuckle-head.  

Without providing a direct example of what she writes - that feels illegal or at least wrong in terms of privacy, even of an uber beyatch - trust me, she is the coldest, most uptight, judging, condescending, snotty, acid-tongued witch who has ever lived.

And, lucky me, I know who is in second place, third, fourth and fifth place. 

But what makes her so fascinating is how much of a change that was since we were kids. Not a 180. But a two and a half 540.