"OK, dig, I'm going out for a drink and a smoke, you crazy cats get this horn section figured out, 'cause I can't work like this."


That’s why that nutty broad, that’s why that kooky, kooky chick, that’s why the Lady is a Tramp, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Now I know the English tabloids are rough, but I thought this headline before the Royal Wedding was a little mean:

“Camilla Parker Bowles to Throw Kate Middleton a Bridle Shower.”

The 16-year-old prostitute who had sex with Hall of Fame football player, Lawrence Taylor, has just hired feminist attorney Gloria Allred. Allred is going to turn L.T. into a B.L.T.

A “Sixty Minutes” segment claims Greg Mortenson’s book “Two Cups of Tea” is fake. Turns out it was one cup of tea and a can of Red Bull.

Another riot broke out at a protest in Syria. That’s strange, it’s not like the middle east to have angry violence erupt except for, oh, yeah, every single day of my entire life.

Elliot Spitzer claims Donald Trump has greatly exaggerated the value of his wealth. Oh, come on, I can’t imagine Donald Trump to be the kind of guy who would lie about something being bigger than it is.

According to pictures on Twitter, Snooki is getting ready for bikini season. So if you’re heading to a New Jersey beach, sharks are now your second concern.

The Royal Wedding is only four days away. They want to have the wedding before Prince William goes completely bald. But don’t worry, if William does go bald, Elton John has offered him the use of one of his toupees.

According to Twitter, Snooki is getting ready for bikini season. Let’s hope Snooki avoids that terrible accident that happened to her at the beach last year when the lifeguard grabbed Snooki and threw her in the ocean mistaking her for his orange life preserver.

Since you asked:

Lord knows I like that hot Kate Middleton, but that gal is T-R-O-U-B-L-E. She looks like she can down three shots and then juggle the shot glasses while yelling; “Wooo hoooo!” with a lit Marlboro dangling from her lips.

Can see Kate half-lit in a pub leaning over to the burly star rugby player - played by me in my twenties - and, with her feint cigarette-and-whiskey-scented-breath, in her proper Notting Hill accent, whispers in his ear;

"I say, old chap, what barks and needs a proper spanking? Woof, woof, woof."

Seriously, I am a big fan of the Kate Middleton, but that little ring-caused scar under her left eyebrow quietly proclaims; "I have been in a bar fight."

This is a woman whom, on many occasions, has uttered the phrase:

"It's drop-knickers time for Katie-bearsies."