Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Half of the time we’re gone, and we don’t know where, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A London toy shop has launched a limited edition Kate Middleton Engagement doll; “Wow, I cannot wait to get that.” said no straight male on the planet.

This Kate Middleton girl, although very pretty, strikes me as possible trouble. Let’s just say she looks like she knows what to do with a shot glass, a Marlboro and a bottle of Wesson Oil.

My word, I am so excited about the Royal Wedding, I could just scream, (cough) err, uh, I mean, man I hope those Lakers crush the Pacers.

The good news is I have been invited to go the Royal Wedding. The bad news? At the reception they have me sitting between Carrot Top and Snooki.

Police in Lodi, CA, arrested a man, 42-year-old Shawn Batie, for disturbing the peace while dressed only in a Raider’s jacket, a G-string and socks with a hair-scrunchie around his genitals. Or as Raider fans call that: well dressed. 

Wooden-award winning senior, Jimmer Fredette, has been asked by BYU officials to finish his degree online because he is too much of a distraction in class. Apparently BYU stands for: Belittling Your Undergraduates.

Wooden-award winning senior, Jimmer Fredette, has been asked by BYU officials to finish his degree online because he is too much of a distraction in class. In the Department of Ingratitude, file this one under: “What have you done for me really lately, like as of today?”

Let’s call the time of death on a war that started in 1976 between rock and punk rock.

Rock won.

Recent documentaries on the top punk bands, The Dead Kennedys, Rancid, The New York Dolls and the Sex Pistols, reveal many members of those bands didn’t know how to play their instruments. Including “lead” guitarists. I’m not talking about not being able to read music, Keith Richards can’t read music, these guys could not play a single, solitary song on their instruments.

Punk rocks proves that critics are wrong, wrong, wrong.

The top rock critics in the Seventies who wrote for “Rolling Stone” or “The Village Voice”, who slaughtered the Eagles, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, Eric Clapton and even Led Zeppelin in their reviews, were all die-hard punk fans. And like all die hard punk fans, they were merely the serious losers of high school desperately searching for a niche to fill the giant hole in their sad and pathetic empty lives.

Losers desperately use the rebel image to hide the fact that they are losers.

Yes, there are some good rock critics, L.A. Times Robert Hilburn and Cameron Crowe, but they were just plain good writers. Most rock critics, including Lester Bangs, couldn’t even write well.

Punk rock’s one trick pony has been exposed as a fraud over time. It not only does not stand up to the test of time, it is nonexistent in the test of time.

Fans of the Stones, Led Zeppelin and Eagles were looking for music to enrich and enhance their already good lives. Fans of punk rock were mostly desperately lost misfits looking for so much guidance, they actually believed dressing like a murderous addict clown and thrashing about to mindlessly loud untalented and violent bands was their answer to get a life.

And, sadly, it was their answer.

That’s why Bruce Springsteen was so confusing to rock critics. He was from the New York area - more importantly to the critics, he wasn’t from California - and he looked the street punk part to a degree with a torn white t-shirt, converse sneakers, beard, unvarnished wood grain Stratocaster guitar and leather jacket.

But yet Springsteen wrote and played great, great songs that were wildly popular with mainstream fans outside of New York. New York and San Francisco critics absolutely hated that.

Don’t get me wrong, unlike the Stones, Bruce, Eric and Led Z, not all Seventies rock bands stand up to the test of time. Take Boston. No, really, please, take Boston. And somebody tell San Diego’s classic rock station, KGB, that we now hate Boston so stop playing them.

Boston proved my theory that there is no such thing as pseudo intellectual rock. Sorry, but if you were/are a huge fan of Rush, Depeche Mode or Husker Du, there is almost a 100% chance you were then, or are now, a flaming douche bag. Maybe I give Rush a pass. (In a “Funny or Die” video with Paul Rudd and Jason Segel, even the guys in Rush make fun of the fact they don’t have any women fans)

Although their egos are out of check, and always have been, and their people skills are bad, you do have to give Don Henley and Glenn Frey an amazing amount of credit for their body of work. Forget about all the one hit bands like the Archies “Sugar Sugar” The Knack and Divo, Boston was way better than a one hit band, they had several hits, and they were only a one album band.

Boston was made up of smart guys from M.I.T. and Harvard and they couldn’t last. It’s is tough to be a long time winner in the world of rock and roll.

The Eagles had nine huge selling albums, not including solo careers, and the highest selling album of all time worldwide in “Eagles Greatest Hits.” Sales are just one factor in judging a musical artist. (See: Madonna, Miley Cyrus and Menudo)

You can have the greatest musicians on the planet and not have a great legacy in album sales, ala Cream (Cream sold a lot of one album, but it was only one album) and the Flying Burrito Brothers. You can have absolutely lousy musicians, or in many of the punk rockers case, not even musicians at all, and have huge sales through slick marketing, like the Monkeys. (Peter Tork and Mike Neismith not included. They were talented)

It is time to put punk in the same musical grave as disco, Reggae, Rockabilly and techno. Let’s save room in that grave for one more, and you know what I mean.

As wise person said: the only interesting thing about Rap is that its first letter is a silent C.