Bite me, Frank Gifford

We got the coffaaay here todaaaaay, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Two attractive women were kicked out of the Baltimore Ravens game for making out in the concession line. The good news? Brett Favre wants their cell phone numbers.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell TV claims “I am you.” So I guess that means I am a crazy masturbating-hating media whore who lies about where I went to college. Who knew?

A 23-year-old man without arms won “China’s Got Talent” by playing the piano with his toes. I’m not sure which song he played, but I don’t think it was Willy Dixon’s “Hand Jive.”

Now they are working on making a movie about the Chilean minors. If they do they’ll have to cast Charlie Sheen. Nobody else is better at digging himself out of a hole.

It will be a tough transition for the Chilean miners. They’ll have to deal with post traumatic stress syndrome, adjusting back to normal life and, later, whether to go with “People” magazine’s “Where are they now?” issue or “US Weekly’s” “Remember them?” edition.

Google is working on developing driverless cars. They’re still working the bugs out. For example when you type in the Grand Canyon for your destination, it drives you to Michelle “19 kids” Duggar’s house.

“30 Rock” did a show live. “Sixty Minutes” reporter Andy Rooney was so impressed he’s thinking of doing a show alive.

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il has named his third son, Kim Jong Un, as his successor. He passed over his oldest, slower son, Kim Jong Edsel.

A German company has made a chair that will inform you if you’re not sitting in it properly. And, if you should accidentally pass gas, it says “Freund, kraun sie.” Which is German for; “Dude, chew your food.”

Californians will vote on Proposition 19 to legalize marijuana. For supporters of this bill there is an easy way to get it to pass: unlimited Cheetos at the voting booths.


Since you asked:
Read an excerpt of the Jane Leavy Mickey Mantle biography “The Last Boy” in “Sports Illustrated” and was sort of surprised by the zeal with which Frank Gifford enjoyed disparaging the Mick. Both were the late fifties and early sixty pretty boy New York favorite sons and, from Gifford’s side anyway, bitter rivals. In the excerpt I read Gifford scoffed at any comparison between the two essentially claiming Mantle was a horrible person.

As I have said before, the fans get players wrong, the press gets players wrong, but the players never get the player wrong. Mick’s teammates loved Mickey. Gifford’s teammates hated Frank. Cleveland Brown defensive back Bernie Parrish said the Giants all hated Frank and none of Frank’s teammates denied it.

Frank Gifford has publicly slammed many of his fellow era players, deservedly Jim Brown, but also Chuck Bednarik, Sam Huff, Jim Taylor and Paul Horning. Let's put it this way, when Bednarik nearly took Gifford's head off, when it was discovered Frank wasn't going to die, an anonymous player said the entire league laughed and joked about it, including his Giant teammates.

Gifford was a poor Bakersfield kid who grew up to relish his self-proclaimed title Prince of New York. Take it from me, there is nothing more insufferable than California white trash who grows up to think they’re prettier and better than everyone else. Gifford personified the unbearable snotty USC attitude. How stupid was Frank Gifford? Even as a high school football star, his grades were not good enough to get into USC. Is that even possible? Oh, yeah, OJ.

But for Gifford – who was caught shamelessly diddling flight attendants while married to Kathy Lee – to anoint himself far morally superior to Mantle is hypocritical at the least. At no time did I get the feeling that, during their “Monday Night Football” broadcasting time, that a real man’s man, Don Meredith, much like Mickey Mantle, thought very much of “Flawless Frank.”

During Gifford’s illustrious broadcasting career, did anyone, anytime, anywhere ever get even a slight hint of a whiff of a sense of humor? Not me. Alex Karras? Hilarious. Likewise “Dandy Don” Meredith. Even the douche-bag, wind-bag colossal megalomaniac Howard Cosell had a somewhat of a droll wit. Before his career as a double-murderer, even OJ Simpson, another snotty USC alum, chuckled and cracked a joke or two

Not Frank. Now Mickey Mantle was hilarious. So sorry, Frank, in one of your many hissy fits with your colleagues, we have to side with Mantle. Was Mickey a saint? Oh hell no. But part of his raw humanity is what made the Mick so likeable.

The words likeable and Frank Gifford, like Frank with his colleagues, have never gotten along.