Let me ask you this: is there a man, woman or child, in this country, when given the chance, doesn't love the heck out of a surfin' daawwwwwwg?

With the birds I share this lonely view, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


An 18-year-old Toledo man was arrested for stabbing his mother for her cheeseburger; he spent the money she gave him for food on weed, smoked it, and then stabbed her for her cheeseburger. Wasn’t this an episode of “The Brady Bunch”?


A study reveals Viagra can cause hearing loss. Or as Viagra users heard that: Viagra can hose earring toss.


A study reveals Viagra can cause hearing loss. So, guys, Viagra can help you have sex with a woman, you just won’t be able to hear her talk after sex. To which guys said; “So what’s the downside?”


Congress repealed the military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” gay policy. Now it will be replaced with a “Wasn’t “Sex in the City 2” to die for?” policy.


A 21-year-old New Jersey man, Matthew Clemmens, pleaded guilty to intentionally vomiting on a fan at a Philadelphia Phillies game. Clemmens forced himself to throw up, whereas New York Mets fans throw up by watching their team play.


The Boston Celtics tied the finals against the Los Angeles Lakers, 1-1. A lot of celebrities at the Laker game. Jack Nicholson had a courtside seat, Leonardo DeCaprio had a courtside seat, Kim Kardashian had two courtside seats.


Sadly, the world’s ugliest dog passed away. So now the title goes to Snookie from “Jersey Shore.”


Sadly the British Petroleum oil spill is still leaking. Too bad the spill wasn’t caused by French Petroleum, the oil would have retreated by now.


There is fear some of the oil from the Gulf spill showed up on the East Coast, turns out it was just washed up hair care product from the cast of “Jersey Shore.”


Since you asked:

You know what cracks me up? The intense and yet insanely inane conversations that occur between two jamokes at work. Imagine two brave, bomb demolition experts defusing a roadside bomb in Iraq, encased in their deep sea diver-like bomb suits, sweating in the 100 degree heat.

“OK, I’m removing the screws from the panel. Seriously, though, why is it called a hamburger when there is no ham?”

“Good, now let’s find the ignition wire. I hope you’re kidding. It’s called a hamburger because the ground meat was first made in Hamburg, Germany. Like Salisbury steak.”

“Is it the green wire? Alright, smart guy, then show me on a map where the hell Cheeseberg, Germany is.”

“No, we want the red wire. A cheeseburger simply delineates the difference between a plain burger and one with cheese. Thus, the cheeseburger. It’s still a hamburger.

On three I am cutting the ignition wire, one, two, three, (clip) there. Well then why do they call a bacon cheeseburger a bacon cheeseburger? Why not list all the ingredients and call it a bacon, cheese, tomato, lettuce, pickles and onion burger?”

“OK, remove the timing device. If you’re going to be that idiotic, you left out mayonnaise, ketchup and mustard. Why not include all of them?”

“Timing device is out. First of all, I don’t put mustard on my burgers. No right-thinking person puts mustard on burgers, mustard goes on sausage meats only.”

“Good, now look for the explosives. Hello? Ever hear of White Castle and McDonalds? They put mustard on their burgers.”

“Found the explosives. And if you’re going to be extra douche-bag-y, why not mention the bun? No, the bun, the mayo, the tomatoes, the lettuce, they are all implied to go with and in a hamburger.”

“OK, pull out the explosives. You can eat a plain patty, no bun, no nothing, and it’s still called a hamburger.”

“Got it. No, it’s called eating a plain patty. For it to be included in the hamburger category, it needs at least a bun with mayo, minimum.”

“Cut the green wire. So what if I want a plain burger on a bun with no mayo? That’s still called a hamburger.”

“It’s cut. No, the mayo is implied, that is why you have to specifically request no mayonnaise to the waitress if you don’t want mayo. It’s assumed mayo is on anything in the sandwich category.”

“Wrong, wrong, wrong, Professor Hamburger. A hot dog is a sandwich and you don’t want mayo on your hot dog if you’re not an insane person.”

“Now cut the blue wire. Since when is a hot dog a sandwich? That’s like calling pizza a sandwich because there is dough involved. Are trying to tell me a corndog is a sandwich?”




You got the idea.


Got a new favorite person in the world:

Ken Jeong. He stole "Knocked Up" He stole "The Hangover" He stole "Role Models" "Now get out of my Burger Hole" is one of the best lines ever. And he is a real doctor which means he is legally allowed to put his fingers up people's butts.

But I still bet he drives like crap . . . oh, it's a joke, people.

Seriously, check out Ken Jeong's stand up on YouTube. He's like Bobby Lee without the self-important a-hole.