Livin' the dream . . . oh, that's so sad, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Pathetic
Can you believe that weasel, Jason, on “The Bachelor”?

I haven’t seen a guy cry like that since, well, me when I looked at my 401 K balance.

Don’t forget
This weekend I hope you remembered to set your clocks forward one hour and your retirement plans back ten years.

What’s in a name?
Porn star Jenna Jameson has a perfume, it’s called Heartbreak.

Apparently the name Ode to Ho was taken.

Bad year
An angry woman called 911 emergency three times because McDonalds ran out of chicken McNuggets.

This has just not been Bernie Madoff’s wife Ruth’s year.

That explains it
An angry woman called emergency 911 three times because a McDonalds ran out of chicken McNuggets.

She was angry because she wanted to eat before her “People Against Stupidity and Entitlement” meeting.

Two can chew
Bernie and Ruth Madoff said they’re entitled to $69 million dollars out of the $50 billion Bernie swindled.

It’s good they picked the number 69, because they can both go bite themselves.

Phew
Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican party.

But don’t worry, Sarah Palin is still the republican party’s hot MILF body.

Ouch
Alex Rodriguez could be out with a sore hip.

After cheating on his wife, getting a divorce and lying about cheating with steroids, the official cause of A-Rod’s injury? A strained credibility.

Gross
Porn star Jenna Jameson has a new perfume, Heartbreak.

Instead of dabbing it behind their ears, with the porn perfume, women are supposed to blast it all over their face.

Too cute by a lot
To mark new relations, Sec. of State Hillary Clinton gave the Russian foreign minister, Sergei Lavrov, a reset button.

That’s cute. And did she also give him a no-kooties invisible shield?

Be careful parents
“Milk” is out on DVD.

I feel sorry for the poor parents who rent "Milk" thinking it’s an instructional video to get their child to drink milk. “Mommy, what’s that man doing to the other man?”

Good tip
Airlines may start charging passengers to use the bathrooms.

Here is a travel tip if they do charge for the bathroom: psst, the air sickness bags are still free.

Don’t confuse these
Jet Blue Airlines is offering a Manny Ramirez special from Los Angeles to Boston for $99.

Now don’t confuse this with the Alex Rodriguez special, that flight is a pain-in-the-butt and stops flying altogether early in the Fall.

Yikes
Charles Barkley began his jail sentence for a DUI this weekend in Arizona.

So Sir Charles went from the round mound of rebound to the tower flower of the jail shower.

Hypocrites
Southwest Airlines painted the picture of “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit bikini cover model, Bar Rafaeli, on the side of one of their planes.

But then an old bitter Southwest flight attendant kicked the plane off the runway for dressing too provocatively.

Since you asked, the pipe dream edition:

It is still my dream to do a documentary and coffee table book on a Western tour of my experiences sitting in at comedy clubs and bars doing stand up and or playing the harmonica with bands. All I need is a sponsor/investor to rent me a tricked-out Airstream with air conditioning and a high def satellite and screen and a high quality video camera. And a tricked out gas grill.

What happens when an unknown comedy writer/comedian/harmonica player/barbeque chef/stand up paddle boarder/world class wise ass raconteur embarks on a tour of comedy clubs and roadhouse bars in search of great stories, adventure and recipes?

And by unknown comedy writer, I mean there are times when I haven’t even heard of myself.

In all condor, I am a damn good comedy writer. And I am a good stand up comedian and harmonica player. But am I a world class stand up comedian or harmonica player? Obviously no, if I was I couldn't fit in to pull this off.

At this project's heart are the usually good - but sometimes lousy - struggling musicians and comedians who are out there trying to make it. They won't be tempted to smooch my butt to catch their big break because I am not famous.

Heroically not famous.

Not to mention I do not know Bo nor Didley about making a documentary, editing it and promoting it. Nor making a coffee table book. That is where the expertise of the investor/producer comes in. Besides coming up with the coin, groin.

One thing I have learned about playing with bands and doing stand up is that people who perform at both are wildly interesting to bordering on crazy. Every band has intense drama and a history and every comedian thinks they should be rich and famous. At the very least they all have some great story to tell that would nicely fill a travel documentary and a coffee table book.

It would be a comedy/music talk show on the road.

Starting with coastal towns in California - so as to stop and stand up paddle board now and again* - and then moving east to Arizona and New Mexico. The desserts and mountains of Arizona and New Mexico are magnets for interesting folks and great roadhouses and bars all teeming with with hilarious colorful characters.

For $75,000, some brave/lucky publisher/producer/network/studio would make ten times their money in book and DVD sales. HBO? Comedy Central? World Wide Pants? Big Dog Productions? Bob & Alice Productions? The Sundance Channel? Are you out there? Let’s talk turkey. Wait, I don’t want to talk about turkeys. I want to get an investor.

The tough part would be being away from Virg, AC, and beasts for a solid month, but that is the price I am willing to pay.

The important part is to strike a legitimate deal first and then sit down with some sharp production assistant and map out the route of bars and comedy clubs up the coast of California and out to Arizona and New Mexico and back. Hit lots of spots on Route 66, etc.

In addition there would be supplemental cooking and barbequing segments as I grill my way across learning local secrets and recipes on the road. It would take me one day to learn how to use the cameras and I would be set. The point would be to let this project take on a life all of it's own and let that happen without trying to force something else. But it would be a comedy with music and grilling.

(I’d finance the book/documentary myself but, as I mentioned, I don’t know the ins and outs of publishing and the production bidness. And, besides, right now I am not, um, liquid enough for a venture capital idea. Yeah, that’s it. Although financing myself is still a remote possibility)

Sundance Film Festival, here we come. And I would actually snowboard when I was there.

You just keep thinking, Lex, that’s what you're good at.

*A portion of the proceeds would go to A Standup World, astandupworld.com, two adventurous guys, Ekolu Kalama – brother of famous surfer Dave Kalama – and Del Mar’s own John Perell who have quit their day jobs to promote stand up paddle boarding and charitable works across the world.

P.S. Once this project is completed I would begin the screen play for the movie version of it.