Monday, December 22, 2008

We gonna throw down the hoe down up in this up in this, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Can you believe it?

Despite the bad economy, can you believe it is almost 2009? I’m still writing 2007 on the checks I bounce.

Nice visual

After stealing $50 billion, Bernard Maddof is out on bail and has been sentenced to house arrest in his $7 million penthouse. How does that make his investors feel to know the guy who stole their life savings is at home eating caviar and sipping champagne while watching “The Flintstones” reruns in his underwear?

What would William Ayers think?

The kid who knocked up Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter, Bristol, Levi Johnston? Well his mother was arrested in Alaska for selling drugs. That isn’t a family, it’s an episode of “Cops.”

The kid who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, now he’s her fiancé? Well his mother was arrested in Alaska for selling drugs. In fact, Sarah Palin can see her jail cell from her house.

Invading Paris

A thief broke into Paris Hilton’s house, when she was gone, and ransacked her bedroom; it marked the first time a stranger was in Paris’s bedroom but not in Paris.

Paris got the last laugh, just by going through her underwear drawer, the thief caught a nasty sexually transmitted disease.

Just kidding, Paris doesn’t have an underwear drawer.

Uh, no Paris, that’s not . . . oh my

A thief broke into Paris Hilton’s house when she was gone and ransacked her bedroom; it was very awkward when they asked Paris how it felt to be burgled by a guy, Paris misunderstood and said; “Guys should ask first because it can hurt if you’re not ready for it.”

That’s nothing

They say the Detroit Lions could be the first team to lose 16 games. What are they talking about? The New York Knicks can lose 16 games in one month easy.

I’m stumped

An Arkansas woman gave birth to her 18th child and all the kid’s names begin with the letter J. I think the last one is named: Jou-think-of-one.

Not since then

If they beat the Denver Broncos next week, the San Diego Chargers could go to the playoffs with an 8-8 record while the New England Patriots could stay home with an 11-5 record. If so it will be the worst case of rewarding mediocrity since, well, John McCain picked Sarah Palin.

Not quite

“Superstars of Dance” is airing. It is for those people who thought “Dancing with the Stars” just wasn’t quite gay enough.

Not the same

December 28th is the anniversary of the Baltimore Colts beating the New York Giants in sudden death for the NFL title in 1958, titled; “The greatest game ever played.” Don’t confuse that with the 47-7 drubbing the Patriots gave Arizona Sunday. That game was such a dog it’s; “The greatest game ever spayed.”

How did I miss this the first time?

On the Oprah “30 Rock” Oprah says to Tina Fey’s character, Liz Lemon;

Oprah: “And you know what suffers when you work too hard . . .”

Liz: “Your bowl movements . . .”

Oprah; . . . your personal life.”

Lemon; “Yeah, your personal life . . .”

Man, did I have wild dreams last night.

You know how I say the harder you sleep the deeper you dream? The dreams take off on their own and you’re just along for the ride. And the next level up is when you are sort of in control of the dream and can change things if you want to.

Well last night, I hit some black hole that was even deeper than dreams that take off on their own. Even when you are in a deep dream, you’re vaguely aware of being asleep and that, even if you’re not controlling the dream, it is coming from somewhere in the deep recess of your head. Oh yeah, this is where I used to park in La Jolla or there is that football field in Oak Park.

Last night the dream wasn’t coming from my head. It was like the real world, things were happening that I had no control over. The level above this is REM sleep and pretty deep but this was scary deep sleep like coma deep. Like hibernation.

But the scary part was that the people and things that were happening were really happening. Not to sound all dirt-eating-avocado-head Californian here, but I get the genuine sense I was communicating with these folks. They weren’t ghosts or the dead – I don’t think - just the spirits or souls of people I have known. Quite a few were from college. Some high school and even some were from New York. It was like a nice reunion, one girl wanted a hug, one guy from Santa Barbara said he missed my jokes.

Their spirit from that time was haunting me but in a nice way.

But the scary part was I had no control, it was really happening. Somehow I had slipped into a level where some form of spiritual contact with people from different times and locations was possible. Like the person I knew who was a twenty-year-old windsurfer bartender had a spirit that still existed on a deep level that was still a twenty-year-old windsurfer bartender and I was talking to that person, not the 49 year-old-married father of three he actually is today.

The freaky part was they were doing their own talking, it wasn’t that my dream made them talk. Does that make any sense? Or should I have laid off the grilled onions and horseradish sauce on my steak sandwich I made for the game?

It sorta freaked me out it was so real that I startled myself awake with a loud “Uh!” like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” It felt like a was a diver coming up way too fast from a deep dive.

It is still freaking me out but in a cool way. No lie, I feel like I came back from a great, scary, exciting trip.

It’s on to the Bears- Packer game tonicht. Hopefully the Bears will give the Fudgies some nightmares.