Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Snicken’ flackin with the Holiday flabber jibber, ha ha ha, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Homage to the Coz)

Now that’s punishment

Bernard Madoff, who pulled that $50 billion Ponzi scheme has been sentenced to house arrest in his $7 million Park Ave. Penthouse. Don’t worry, he’s being punished, the whole time he has to watch “The View.”


The kid who knocked up Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter, Bristol, Levi Johnston? Well his mother was arrested in Alaska for selling drugs. In fact, she was so high she actually thought she could see Russia from her house.

That explains it

The movie “Marley and Me” is coming out on Christmas and it is about a badly behaved dog. They got the idea of making a movie about a badly behaved dog by seeing that thing on Rod Blagojevich’s head.

Getting up there

Happy belated birthday to Keith Richards who turned 65 last week; that’s 125 in Keith Richards years and 165 in Amy Winehouse years.

People thought I was crazy when I first said this, but if Keith hangs in there, he may actually reach a point where he looks good for his age.

Hell Freezes over . . . again

Las Vegas had a record snow. It was nice, the strippers ran outside, laid down and waved their arms and legs and made little snow hookers.


Didn’t you love all the so-called Arab cultural experts who explained to us that throwing a shoe at someone is considered an insult in Iraq? Not only that, but, in Iran, apparently urinating in someone’s ear is an expression of contempt.

*Side bar: show me somebody with the title expert and I will show you a world class douche bag.

Guy on the go

A company in Wisconsin has made a beer with pizza ingredients inside of it. It’s perfect for that active guy on the go who doesn’t have time to eat pizza drink beer and then puke.


An Arkansas woman gave birth to her 18th child. The couple’s name is Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar; as in that guy must really have dug her.

Since you asked:

This will be an all time first: seeing a movie on Christmas. But we are going to go see “Marley and Me” Actually, I might see it in a different theater than my fambly. It may scar a ten-year-old girl for life to see her Dad sobbing like a jilted drunken debutante.

There is a great chapter in “Marley and Me” where Marley gets cast to be the family dog in a real Hollywood movie filmed near their Florida home. (It went straight to video) Marley’s owners couldn’t believe the red carpet treatment they got on the way to the set. Classic Hollywood production assistants with clip boards and head sets groveling and smooching all over them in every conceivable way to get Marley to the set.

Once the camera rolled, Marley ruined every take. Knocks over a kid running out of the van.


Jumps out of the van.


Jumps up on a clearly horrified Grandma.

“Cut!” Finally the furious director yells;

“Get this damn dog off of my set, he’s ruining this movie.”

Suddenly all the earlier butt-smooching assistant producers are giving Marley and Marley’s owners the bum’s rush all but saying;

“Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.”

That night the director’s assistant calls them in a panic;

“Please, please get that dog back here. We saw the dailies from today’s shoot and that wild beast is the best part of this movie, he is hilarious.”

The best part was all the re-butt smooching and over-groveling the assistant producers had to do when they came back on the set.

We now call our younger Labrador, Wrigley, Marley-Lite.