A Whole Lotta Shakin’ goin’ on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How Shaky Was it?
We had an earthquake in L.A. It was shaking so much Shia Labeouf drove in a straight line.

Now authorities are saying that it wasn’t Shia LaBeouf’s fault when he rolled his truck. He was trying to swerve out of the way of a drunk and staggering Andy Dick.

This one is painful in many ways
LA had a 5.4 earthquake which is fine unless you happen to be getting laser eye surgery or a circumcision; and heaven forbid you were getting laser eye surgery and a circumcision at the same time during the quake because you could end up cock-eyed. (Thank you, try the veal)

There was an awkward moment when somebody asked President Bush if he wanted to visit the epicenter in California, Bush said, “No silly, the Epicenter is in Disney World in Florida.”

We had an earthquake in L.A. It was shaking so much a straight guy stumbled into a theater showing “Momma Mia.”

Not clear on the concept
Disgraced gambling NBA ref Tim Donaghy has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for fixing games. But I still don’t think Donaghy gets it, today he offered 4-1 odds on a grand that he will be out in six months on good behavior. (While I told this joke, Brett Favre retired and un-retired again)

Since you asked:

Honestly, why do old folks suddenly decide to take their power walk in the middle of the road? And not only do they wander in the road, but they also cut real nasty looks to any driver who has the audacity to pass anywhere near them.

Hey, Grandpa, if you don’t like it that we have to drive close to you so as not to hit a car going the other direction, here’s a tip: stay the F out of the road. God made sidewalks, use them.

I’ve said this before, and it is not just an old dude thing, the same inconsiderate, annoying A-holes, young or old, who hang the long-slow-diagonal-parking-lot-walk in front of your car are the same a-holes who are just dying to cut a dirty look to anyone who finally passes them.

In a move my friends like to call “Lex out making friends” I was driving by this old guy in a Vons parking lot – not even within ten feet of the guy – and he cut me the classic sour old-geezer “Hey, what the heck?” hairy eyeball for, in his mind, passing too close. I stopped my car next to him, rolled down the window and as nicely and sincerely as I could, I said;

“Wow, Sir, that evil glare you just gave me really worked. I am going right home and giving myself a stern talking to. I will never drive by a person in a parking lot again. Thanks you so much for straightening me out.”

As I drove off, I looked in the rear mirror and saw the old guy flipping me off.

And that's how we play "Lex Out Making Friends" Slats and Gets.

(Polite applause)