Tuesday, January 31, 2017

We’re driving Cadillacs in our dreams, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump said he believes in torture. “Boy, I’ll say he does,” said Melania.

$400,000 worth of cocaine was found in the nose of an American Airlines jet. They became suspicious when the jet wouldn’t shut up about wanting to write a screenplay. 

Oprah is going to join “60 Minutes” as a special contributor. It is so nice to see Oprah finally catch a break. Maybe this will turn things around for her? 

So maybe now Oprah can quit her job as an Uber driver? 

Donald Trump to announce Supreme Court nomination this week. Asked about his chances, Gary Busey said, “The stanky-leg moose buys his pajamas at funky town.” 

Not to give anything away, but the Supreme Court could be Trump’s last chance to give his idiot son, Eric, a job for life.

A study claims a four-second pause can cause an awkward conversation. Especially when it follows the question: “Can I use your bathroom?” 

There is a new Tostitos bag that doubles as a breathalyzer. Because that will work great if you get pulled over. “But officer, my Tostitos bag told me I was OK to drive.” 

There is a Tostitos bag that doubles as a breathalyzer to tell if you’re drunk. And there is a Pringles canister of pizza-flavored crisps that can tell of you’re stoned. If you’re eating pizza-flavored Pringles? You’re stoned. 

$400,000 worth of cocaine was found in the nose of an American Airlines jet. They became suspicious when the pilots were awful chatty considering how drunk they were. 

Are you excited for the Super Bowl? You’ve got a pregame show, Lady Gaga performing at halftime along with the lingerie bowl, the puppy bowl, the Bud Bowl, not to mention outstanding commercials. What am I forgetting? Oh, yeah, a football game.

It is the sixth anniversary of when 30-year-old, Crystal Harris became engaged to 90-year-old Hugh Hefner. As a present, she gave Hef a skydiving certificate.

Since you asked:

To date, the Kardashian women have turned Scott Disick into an alcoholic, Lamar Odom into a crack addict, they turned Bruce Jenner into a woman and they made Kanye West lose his mind. Turns out Kardashian is an Armenian term that means:  Butts that make men nuts. 

Saw this on a funny gas station sign: 

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?” 

So you’re thinking of hiring a comedy writer and you’re wondering, Lex, what does a freelance comedy writer charge?

It’s easy. $200 a joke or $5 a word. Negotiability contingent on how busy I am. Right now it is negotiable. 

Comedian Amy Schumer defended her second cousin, Senator Chuck Schumer, after President Trump accused Chuck of using fake tears. And this is the weird-ass world we live in, folks.

Go screw yourself, you jaundiced pigeon

Maybe this is just me, but it seems to me society’s slow degeneration can be traced back to one watershed moment: when Woodstock appeared in “Peanuts.”

In 1970, when that annoying bird, Woodstock, was given a name, fashion, politics, food, manufacturing, entertainment, basically everything except rock and roll - which was amazingly awesome at that time - began to turn to crap. 

In the 1970's we got, in no specific order, Nixon, rayon, polyester, bell bottoms, margarine, Ford Pintos, eight tracks, Pet Rocks, "Me and the Chimp" and Burt Reynolds movies. Burt freakin' Reynolds movies. 

And we liked them. 

Seems to me if you can have alternative facts you can also have alternative words. If you can't think of the right word, why can't you just make one up? That only seems fairlified.

When constifating for the correct meaning, you can just gropitude for a word and have it fill your exectafications and or specifitosity.

What a bi-poligoran illuminatoric congnitizational assundification.  

It is downrightly persmunctory. 

Just picked the movie "The Girl On The Train." Here is my question: why are there protestors marching outside my door?

Stinky poop