Tuesday, December 08, 2015

Here is my buddy, Woody's bunker buddy

We tryin' to get all Coasty up in this here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

For the next debate, Donald Trump demanded $5 mil. from CNN then agreed to do it for nothing. Pretty much the same negotiation tactics I used for my salary on this blog.

Justin Bieber asked for his fan’s help to help identify Instagram picture of a young girl he fell in love with. It was awkward when the picture turned out to be one of Justin. 

Donald Trump has called a ban of all Muslims coming to the US. In addition, Trump plans to personally stop the Whos in Whoville from having Christmas. 

Donald Trump has called a ban of all Muslims coming to the US. Then, when somebody wished Trump Merry Christmas, Trump replied; “Christmas is a Humbug.” 

The 4-8 Dallas Cowboys are one game out of first place. Nobody has performed this badly and been near first place since, well, Donald Trump.

The hometown of new UFC champ, Holly Holm, Albuquerque, NM, held a parade for Holly. There were so many people there, during the parade not one meth lab blew up. 

Kim  Kardashian and Kanye West banned all cameras during the birth of their baby Saint. They’re old fashioned, they only believe in filming the conception. 

“Why ban Muslin? It is a light, comfortable fabric perfect for California. Ban corduroy.” Kris Jenner unclear on Trump’s ban on Muslims. 

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby Saint West. That is a pretty great name. Man did this kid dodge the North, Tulip, Squid, Gristle celebrity name bullet. Oh, and Bullet. 

Ted Cruz’s Princeton college dorm mates are ratting-out Cruz as creepy and smelly in college. Dirt from college roommates, reason #932 I am not running for president. 

(For Sweet Lew, the Saint and the Flash. Ah yes, white foam, ah yes)

Nike has just signed LeBron James to a deal estimated to be half a billion dollars. To give you an idea how much that is, LeBron can now afford to adopt all the little Asian children who are making his Nike shoes. 

Since you asked:

Often times the world is divided by feelings of Coasty and feelings of Sketchy. 

Coasty is when you like something right away instinctively A song, a great sandwich. The smell of popcorn in a movie theater. Freshly cut grass. That feeling when you walk into a great dive bar filled with wonderful people just like you. When you catch a wave. An amazing sunset. Taking a nap. The first look at a gorgeous painting. That happy snoring noise your dog makes when you scratch him just right behind the ears. Fry a perfect fried egg. Marinated meat sizzling on an oak fire grill. First sip of a great margarita. 

Sketchy is when you are sitting in a classroom with no idea what the hell everyone is talking about until you figure out you're in the wrong class. Doing your taxes. When your computer freezes. When you don't realize the movie you're watching is in another language. When your credit card is turned down. A marketing caller pretending to be a friend.The government clerk who is giving you the run-around just for the fun of it. The cop who is going to give you a ticket even though he pulled you over by mistake. A red light on your car panel. The douche-bag staring down at their cell phone in the car ahead of you when the light changes to green. You tap your horn so you don't miss the green, they give you the finger. 

So let's play a lightening round of:

Coasty or Sketchy

Jennifer Lawrence? Coasty.

Kristen Stewart? Sketchy

NFL refs? Sketchy

Tay-Tay McSqueeze? (Taylor Swift) Coasty 

Justin Bieber? Do I have to say it? Sketchy.

Keith Richards? Coasty.

Nike? Sketchy