Sunday, January 11, 2009

We are a go, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Doing the math and the teacher

A Massachusetts teacher is in jail for having sex 300 times in less than two years with her teenage boy student. Seriously, they announced they had sex over 300 times in less than two years. Was it really necessary to also mention he was a teenage boy?  

How cold was it?

It was cold here in Los Angeles, in Hollywood the mercury dipped below 32 degrees in Jeremy Piven.

Liar, liar, panties on fire

Katy Perry is nominated for a Grammy. Katy Perry is that pretty brunette who sang “I Kissed A Girl.” But in interviews Katy says she has never kissed nor been with a girl. But don’t worry, guys, we know how much those pop singers lie. I mean, Madonna once sang “Like a Virgin.”

Not as well known

Officials are still figuring out the damage in the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme. Whereas I lost a lot of money in the lesser known Potsie scheme: my money was stolen by a dork in a 50’s diner.

Motor City Sadness

The Detroit Lions went 0-16, the Tigers and Pistons are bad, their auto industry is in the tank, to give you an idea how rough it has gotten, people in Detroit are renting time-shares in Gaza.

The New York Giants play the Philadelphia Eagles in the Toughest Fans Bowl. New York fans are rough but not as rough as Philadelphia fans. Philadelphia fans boo their grandmothers if they lose at Cribbage. “Why did you discard the jack? Nanna, you suck.”

The New York Giants play the Philadelphia Eagles in the Toughest Fans Bowl. New York fans are rough but not as rough as Philadelphia fans. Philadelphia fans boo the losers in the annual Christmas Orphan’s basketball tournament. “Good thing your parents can’t see how bad you are.”

Not good
With the success of “Marley & Me” Hollywood is in a rush to green light dog movies. One that doesn’t sound so great is about a guy who gets beat up by a biker gang when his Labrador pees on their motorcycles. It's called; “Harley & Me.”

An Australian woman, who found out her husband was cheating, was arrested for setting his genitals on fire. He's is going to be OK, but for a while there his junk was burning worse than a guy who dated Paris Hilton. 

Saw that coming . . . dooh
Remember the Texas preacher who challenged his flock to have sex every day that week and report back the next Sunday?  Talk about your missionary position . . .

Can you imagine? The preacher yells: 

"Raise your arm if you had sex all seven days. " 

"Beatrice, sweety, why is your arm up in the air if I was out of town last week?"

Prince Harry - a famous non-genius - was caught on tape saying raghead calling a Pakistani a Paki, terms Muslims have chosen to find offensive. Once again, the real crime here was stupidity. You would have to be stupid to be a Prince of England and not know those comments would cause a stink. Harry is stupid. 

But Paki? What if someone called me,  being from San Diego,  a Sandy? Why would that be offensive? Raghead? Listen, if you wear a cloth on your head you very well may get described by people without cloths on their heads as someone who wears a cloth on your head. Diaper head? Now that is offensive because it is intended to offend. But it's also a cloth. 

And yet Muslims are free and open to call all of us non-Muslims Kafirs. That is an Islamic term so obscene it is banned by the Koran, and yet it is used by Muslims to describe non Muslims freely and openly. Literally it means coward or one who covers up or hides, but it really means a vile, filthy non-believer who should be destroyed but who is not worthy of a bullet.

What's that proverbial prayer? Lord protect us from those who think they know you the best.