Friday, September 09, 2005

No, no, no, no, you da man and you da woman, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, he dih’ ‘nt
Dick Cheney is touring the hurricane damage in New Orleans. It was really embarrassing, President Bush advised Cheney to bring his lesbian daughter to help him with the dikes.

So mean, so mean
Monica Lewinski is moving to England. That’s interesting, now, in England, the food won’t be the only thing that sucks.

Pump you up
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to veto the gay marriage bill. Apparently Arnold doesn’t think homosexuality and marriage go together; Arnold feels that homosexuality should stay where it belongs: in body building.

Way back then
During her riding accident Madonna said her life flashed in front of her eyes. Madonna said it was so vivid, she re-lived when she dated Jose Conseco back when he still had testicles.

The horror
During her riding accident Madonna said her life flashed in front of her eyes and it was the absolute worst acting she’s ever seen.

Hate to hear that
It looks like Barry Bonds might play this season for the San Francisco Giants. You can tell Barry is rusty, he swung and missed and accidentally shot his steroids into another player’s ass.

That would do it
Lance Armstrong is so furious at French doping allegations he might return to the Tour De France next year just to make the French mad. You really want to make the French mad? Replace their wine bottles with shampoo bottles.

Nice change
Lance Armstrong is engaged to Sheryl Crow. Lance is looking forward to the honeymoon when Lance will be able to spend two weeks pumping something besides bike pedals.

While we’re being annoying
Many media figures insist that the victims of Katrina be called evacuees and not refugees. While we’re at it, let’s refer to FEMA not as inept but efficiency challenged.

That won’t do it
Michael Jackson wants to make his image more masculine. How is he going to do that? Replace Bubbles the chimp with Bruno the gorilla?

As we speak Michael Jackson is having a new plastic nose modeled after Russell Crowe’s.

Back to normal
Rap mogul Sug Knight has been released from the hospital after being shot in the leg. Doctors say, with therapy, Sug should be up and shooting other rappers in no time.

How expensive is it?
Can you believe gas prices? My gas station pump has three choices, Regular octane, Premium and If You Have To Ask, You Can’t Afford It.

By the way, high gas prices are annoying enough, can we stop calling gas unleaded? It hasn’t been leaded in thirty years. For that matter, we can also stop calling them service stations?

That explains it
It’s been reported that Spain is now the number one consumer of cocaine. This also explains how during the running of the bulls in Pamplona, everybody was able to outrun the bulls.

It's the thought that counts
This week the Mexican Navy sent a ship to Louisiana loaded with aid for areas affected by Hurricane Katrina. The bad news? The ship deflated before it actually left Mexican waters.

Michael Moore is less
This week, director Michael Moore called President Bush a “lazy, self-satisfied lunatic.” Here’s my question: should someone, like Bush, who runs and bikes everyday, be called lazy by a guy, like Michael Moore, who only sweats when shoving through the all-you-can-eat buffet?

Director Michael Moore called President Bush a “lazy, self-satisfied lunatic.” That has to hurt coming from a guy who still has hot dog bun crumbs in his beard from the Fourth of July.