Thursday, March 17, 2005

This just in:

Wearin' out of the green
St. Patrick’s Day is a fun day in New York City. Everything turns green. The clothes turn green, the beer turns green, the vomit on the subway platform turns green.

I love the way, on St. Patrick’s day, how the New York cabbies get in the spirit and wear their green turbans.

We got our green on up in this shalizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

By any other name
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. It is a good excuse to drink a lot and kiss strangers. Or as Tara Reid calls that: Thursday.

What a changeDid you hear what happened when members of the Boston Red Sox got a make-over on “Queer-Eye For the Straight Guy”? They turned into the New York Mets.

Do you know what would happen if Mike Piazza got a queer-makeover? He’d turn into Mike Piazza.

Getting queer makeovers can be tricky for pro athletes. Bobby Hull Jr. got a queer makeover and now he wants to be a figure skater.

Gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps got a queer makeover and now he wants to do synchronized swimming.

You Baretta believe he got away with murder
The jury acquitted Robert Blake of murdering his wife. Asked to comment about his acquittal, Robert Blake said; “O.J. was right, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.”

After his acquittal, Robert Blake said he had to go back to work. So this verdict was a blow for not only the Bonnie Blakely family but the entire Hollywood community in general.

Robert Blake said; “If you want to know how to go through $10 million in five years call me.” Upon hearing that, Michael Jackson called Blake and asked; “So how did you spend so little?”

The horror
Jurors were shown Michael Jackson’s DVD and magazine porno collection in court. Or as that is otherwise known: every guy’s worst nightmare.

Just one of the guys, a really freaky guy, but just one of the guys
The defense team in the Michael Jackson trial is desperately trying portray their client as a regular guy who drinks and watches girlie porn. Man, Bill O’Reilly would be their dream client.

Who knew?A study reveals that obesity can shorten your life. That means Ruben Stoddard actually died five years ago.

Not a smart man
Jose Conseco is testifying before Congress, but Jose is not the sharpest tool in the shed. When asked if he was worried about incriminating himself, Conseco said, “No, I went to the bathroom before hand.”

Their only chance
Financially troubled Toys R Us was sold to a group of investors. To show how bad it is, Toys R Us probably won’t be solvent again unless Michael Jackson is acquitted and has a few more hit singles.

Not fair to pick on the new guys
Congress has proposed a national steroid law. Upon hearing this, the new Washington Nationals baseball team asked; “What about all those other guys? Why pick on us?”

Since you asked:

This St. Patty’s Day morning I put on my one and only green shirt, a green polo-type golf shirt. My daughter, Ann Caroline, looks at me with pity in her eyes and says, “Daddy, that’s not green. That’s turquoise.”

She’s six. I didn’t know what turquoise was until, oh, this morning.

And what is the quaint Irish expression? Oh yeah, Éireann go Hoobastank.