Some genuine Kardashian realness up in here

"Yo, stay in your lane, bitch," said Paris Hilton

"Hey, everybody, check out my impression of Donald Trump Jr.'s first day in prison." 

You can't spell it, but it eats pretty good, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers




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A Texas woman is upset because a Southwest Airlines gate clerk made fun of her daughter's name, Abcde. (Pronounced: Ab-city) 

"It's awful to be teased about your name," said the mother, Trudy Assgasket.







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There was a 7.0 earthquake in Anchorage, Alaska. It was so strong, it actually shook someone into a movie theater showing John Travolta's "Gotti."




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In Arizona, a man carrying a pistol in his waistband accidentally shot himself in the groin in the Walmart meat department. 

"Hey, mommy, look. Someone dropped a hot dog on the floor."





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The Playboy Mansion had an estate sale. One of the items auctioned was the grotto's Purell dispenser.






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In Australia, there is a giant 6.4, 3,000-pound steer called Knickers. Knickers produces so much B.S. he is going to be named to the White House communications staff.




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The Playboy Mansion had an estate sale. Some of the items auctioned were Hugh Hefner's silk pajamas. Body condom not included.




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In Arizona, a man carrying a pistol in his waistband accidentally shot himself in the groin in the Walmart meat department. In an incredible coincidence, the Walmart meat department was offering half-off on sausage.


Do we really need to add the word accidentally before the words shot himself in the groin? 







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The big thing is cauliflower pizza crust. Because everyone disliked the regular pizza crust so much and demanded a change.











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The Playboy Mansion held an estate auction. Some of the top items to be bid on were Hugh Hefner's captain's hat, his pipe and the water filter in the grotto that went to the Center for Disease Control.





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There is a condition called paradoxical undressing. That's when you become so disoriented from the cold, you strip your clothes off. 

Paradoxical undressing also explains Ariana Grande's relationship with Pete Davidson.





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Tiger Woods wants a rematch against Phil Mickelson for $9 million. 

Tiger wants another chance to play a luxury course in one round of golf for $9 million? Why would anyone put themselves through something like that again?





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Kendall Jenner complained the super-models snubbed her in The Victoria Secret Fashion Show for being unqualified. 

Kendall may have a point. They hung Kendall from her diamond-encrusted thong on a locker hook.


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A "TMZ" video appears to show Kansas City Chiefs' Kareem Hunt shoving and kicking a woman. 

Who does this guy think he is, Ben Roethlisberger?

Not to snitch, but apparently the video was sent by a guy whose name rhymes with Shtom Shbrady.