Sunday, April 01, 2018

Happy Easter and Peeps to my peeps, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There was a huge sewage spill on the field of Dodger Stadium. That story again: the Dodgers were charged with impersonating the New York Mets.

A South African minister was bitten in the buttocks by a lion after trying to prove god would protect him. He’s OK and expects to go back soon to preaching at the Church of the Holy Kardashians.

There’s an online test to determine how narcissistic you are. The five levels of narcissism are: 1, Modest, 2, Mildly Narcissistic, 3, Conceited, 4, Utterly Self-Absorbed, and 5, Trumpish.

Ireland is opening its first nude beach in April. After all, Ireland is known for its beaches the way Hawaii is known for its leprechauns.

Ireland is opening its first nude beach in April. That story again: seaside tourism in Ireland is expected to plummet.

He’s OK, but a South African minister was bitten in the buttocks by a lion after trying to prove god would protect him. That story again: lions do not like the taste of idiots.

David Schwartz, the lawyer for Donald Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen, said Cohen paid $130,000 out of his pocket to Stormy Daniels out love for Donald Trump. And if you cannot believe the lawyer of a lawyer, who can you believe? 

Sean Penn has written a book, “Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff.” That story again: idiots, like Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber, continue to write books without ever having read one. 

Sean Penn has written a book, “Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff,” in which Penn attacks the #MeToo movement. But any actor who looks like he snorts coke off a hooker's butt with a lit Marlboro dangling from his mouth has to be somewhat of an expert on feminism.   

It started to look like it was not Loyola's night when Sister Jean looked at Michigan's mascot, Biff-the-wolverine, and gave it the finger.

Since you asked:

                           West Virginia Tech's Bob Huggins

Due to the unholy conflagration of huge colleges, rich alumni, egos, money, fame, and poverty-stricken inner-city teenagers and crazy sports parents, NCAA basketball will always be a magnet for lying, sleazy, oily, immoral con-artists like Jerry Tarkanian, Sonny Vaccaro, John Chaney, Bob Huggins, Rick Pitino, Bobby Knight,  John Thompson and, yes, Mike Krzyzewski.

Just to name a few. 

Unfortunately, what is often needed for a successful college basketball coach is a slippery, charismatic egomaniac who can saunter into the living room of a blue collar - or often far poorer - desperate parent, and parent is usually singular, and lie right to their face how they can assure fame and, far more importantly, fortune for them and their beloved high school child.

(And 99% of the time, this false promise is gilded with an illegal payout from an equally sleazy alumni) 

This lie is told while knowing every one of those players has less than a 1 in 1,000th chance of any NBA success.

These are the worst people, men who have knowingly built their own castle of fame and fortune on the broken hearts of poor teenage boys. 

Sometimes the characters even fit the sleazy image like a badly drawn cartoon character, like Jerry Tarkanian, Mike Krzyzewski, Rick Pitino, Bobby Knight and Bob Huggins. 

Bob Huggins always looks like a guy with terminal heartburn who swills scotch and cleans his ears with his Cadillac car key and says the word “Crap” constantly.

Jerry Tarkanian looked like he dealt in human slavery on the side for fun. (Actually met Tark a few times and he did not disappoint in terms of sleaze, in fact, he oozes sleaze. But he was a surprisingly down-to-earth, open and funny guy)  

Mike Krzyzewski. Wombats make fun of how much Krzyzewski looks like a wombat.  

Rick Pitino looks like, and was, the guy caught banging a cocktail waitress for the best 60 seconds of her life.

Bobby Knight, a slob who looks like a perverted uncle and was, in fact, a well-known teenage abuser, will always remembered for telling Larry Bird he had no future in basketball. (Who says that to any teenager, let alone the one who would become one of the best?) 

And yet there is hope when good guys come around like UCLA’s John Wooden and, well, John Wooden. Oh, and San Diego State’s Steve Fischer. (Met him and was impressed)  And Celtic's Brad Stevens. 

To their credit, the NCAA has cracked down on illegal payments, but that just creates a bigger rift between the sleaze bags who are great at hiding their tracks and the good guys who have nothing to hide. 

Two of the best were John Wooden and Steve Fischer. Two guys who promised kids and their parents nothing more than the lessons learned from combining talent, education, hard work and dedication.

Let's now welcome Loyola's Porter Moser into that elite group.