This

 Plus this

Equals this

It’s not too early to think about Halloween costumes. A fun idea this year could be to put a wig on a Shrek mask and go as Kentucky county clerk, Kim Davis.

Scientists explored a German submarine, U-853, sunk off Rhode Island at the end of WWII. “We sunk her with depth charges,” replied the American battle ship captain, Larry King.

Submarine U-853. You have to hand it to those Germans, when it comes to naming vessels, they sure are creative.

New York Giant, Jason Pierre-Paul, returns to the team this week after losing at least one finger in a fireworks accident. However, Pierre-Paul does not want to sign a contract extension. Actually nobody is sure if he can sign a contract extension.

Husband of anti-gay marriage Kentucky Clerk, Kim Davis, Joe, met the press. The press does not ask what everyone is thinking: “What did your dick do wrong to deserve her?”

In an interview with conservative radio host, Hugh Hewitt, Donald Trump confused the ethnic group Kurds with Iran’s military force, Quds. Trump went on the defensive and said; “As a radio host, Hewitt surcks, I mean sucks.”

“Dancing with the Stars” has announced their contestants that include, Andy Grammer, Tamar Braxton and Hayes Grier. So apparently “Dancing with the Stars” is now “Dancing with the People Who Couldn’t Get a Table at Dennys.”

The Buffalo Bills have cut lineman, Ikemefuna Enemkpali, less than a month after the Jets released him for breaking the jaw of QB, Geno Smith. In addition, if left untreated, Ikemefuna Enemkpali can cause severe genital rashes and diarrhea.

Lexervations:

Dear Business People: If you’ve ever addressed a group as “People,” asked someone to “Walk with me,” or put your feet up on the desk while rattling a scotch on the rocks and talking on the phone? You’re an asshole.

Just gas-grilled a hot dog served with diced onions, sweet pickles and mustard and ketchup while watching the Cubs score three runs on walks. And a little piece of my soul got pre-approved for heaven.

When did the expression “Shitting the bed” become a thing? Personally I prefer “Pooping the Futon.”

It doesn’t matter to me if someone is a whacko liberal or a nut-job conservative, anyone who uses Facebook as a political forum is an idiot.

Who would win in a death-cage match, Lily from AT&T or Flo from Progressive? Flo has a much meaner streak, I think.

“Masterchef” good job weeding out the vegetarian, Hathefevthal. Hatvel, or Hathfel, or whatever is nice, but she should have gone sooner. Nick the D is starting to grow on me because he is funny and he is a local like Claudia. Just lose the hat. D-Wreck, if you win, take your winnings and buy some sleeves. Katrina is so sweet she makes my uterus hurt. So glad they replaced that nasty pri*k judge Joe, with Christina with the hot wheels. Stephen with a PH should go next.

It has been almost a week since I have seen a Miley Cryus boob. What gives?

One Direction is taking a break because being an over-paid, member of an adored boys band is just too much damn work.