Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Blackhawks just dropped some truth and wisdom on them Duckie-Ducks, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Republican Rick Santorum has officially entered the presidential race. What is the difference between Twitter and the 2016 presidential race? Twitter only allows 140 characters.

Taco Bell announced they are getting rid of all artificial chemicals and ingredients. This just in: Taco Bell will no longer be featuring Tacos.

Pizza Hut announced they are getting rid of all artificial chemicals and ingredients. In a related story, Pizza Hut’s new Kale and Quinoa pizzas are not flying out of stores.

Kris Jenner has filed to trademark the term “Momager.” The word that combines Mom and Manager. While she’s at it, Kris should also get Publicity-whore, Slut-shill and Human-race-disgrace nailed down too.

Since you asked:

If I was going to be on “The Next Food Network Star” it would be as the designated older guy with character. But I would have a mission and that would be to bring better comedy to good grilling.  

What I want to hear at my grill parties is sizzling, great music and laughter. And maybe a few dog barks. But mostly laughing. And music.

The brilliant producers of the mockumentaries like “Spinal Tap” “Best in Show” and “Waiting for Guffman” tapped into a genius formula of finding sub-cultures in American society who take themselves way too seriously. (How they have not tapped into soccer parents, I have no idea)

Anyone who has watched “Chopped” knows that one of the subcultures that now takes itself way too seriously are the new hipster chefs. They of the way-too-many tattoos, the devotion to their wife/husband/children/life-partners and their 12 –step- recovery who only use farm-to-table locally grown, seasonal and sustainable products.

Yes, we freaking know you like to use out-of-the-box international influences and scientific techniques, you smug, annoying, pompous, arrogant humorless tools.

Ahem. (Sorry, that got away from me a little bit there)

Any who . .  . it would be my goal to bring a higher level of comedy – nobody loved Emeril’s bams or his pleas not to call 911 more than me – but, come on, we can do much better. TV Talk show level comedy. And still maintain a high level of grilling and cooking.

Many of the “Food Network” stars have truly good senses of humor, but they aren’t all that funny. (Exception: Nadia G.) Yes, Alton Brown is funny, almost half as funny as he tries to be. But he is also more than too professorial and, well, mean and scary. Scary and funny do not go well.

Recently they had Alex Guarna, Guianaar, Garreeeena, Gitmo, Guano, Guarnaschelli (whew) as a guest on “The Next Food Network Star” and she killed.  Riffing and everything. Never saw her close to being as funny on “Chopped” where she is really a good judge, but in a stern school-marm way.

There is no reason why people cannot learn how to grill and cook fun party foods and laugh really hard at the same time. My question is: why aren’t they?

So here is what we need: a late-night style talk show on the Food Network. With a band and real guests. But with grilling. Yours truly as the host.