Monday, April 20, 2015

In a tennis match in Montreal, pretty blonde Canadian, Eugenie Bouchard, snubbed the pre-match handshake of Alexandra Dulgheru. On the bright side, Bouchard has a big future as an ESPN reporter.

 Tattooed and arrogant “Chopped” judge;

“First of all, I like the texture components of crunchy juxtaposed with soft. And the flavor notes provide savory as well as sweet. 

You have provided a protein element and a starch with a fruity addition of a sweet, thick, textured compote. And the pairing of your beverage choice goes well as a palate cleanser. 

And while I applaud your use of locally grown, organic and sustainable ingredients, I have to say your presentation is sorely lacking and there is no spice element at all. It could have used some hhhhaaaahvahhhneerrrruss (overly-prounouced habaneros) or perhaps some haaahhlaahhpeeeeeeneooossss) (overly-pronounced jalapeños) 

“Chopped” contestant:

Thank you chef, but in my defense, I have to say the lack of presentation and spice is probably due to the fact that it is a FREAKING CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH ON TOAST WITH MILK, YOU SNOTTY FOOD PIMP. GET THE HELL OVER YOURSELF.