Sunday, February 08, 2015

After 55 years, Harper Lee has written the sequel to “To Kill a Mockingbird.” It’s called; “50 Shades of Mockingbird.”

Massive storms are set to hit the cities of the Super Bowl teams, New England and Seattle. But don’t worry, Seattle, it will probably pass.

A, Tiger Woods quitting a tournament because he couldn’t activate his glutes? Pretty crazy.

B, Brian Williams taking a news break for lying about getting shot at in Iraq? Pretty freaking crazy.

C, Transitioning Bruce Jenner causing a fatal accident possibly due to texting while driving? Chocolate-dipped, poop-nuts crazy.

Man, I had a bad dream. I dreamt that Brian Williams helicopter got shot down and was almost hit by two trucks being driven by Suge Knight and Bruce Jenner.

Chipotle’s twitter account was hacked and the hackers posted racist tweets; Chipotle is sorry and will apologize to an African American if one ever actually goes into a Chipotle.

Bruce Jenner is OK, but was in a horrible crash in Malibu. It was awkward when the police gave Jenner a sobriety test. When they asked him to close his eyes and touch his nose, Jenner said; “OK, let me go get the damn thing.”

Since you asked:
Like most people, I really like Brian Williams. It would be too bad for all of us if he has to resign. 

Brian Williams reminds me of the guy in the yellow sweater vest playing bridge in the country club bar after golf. He pops cocktail peanuts into his mouth from his fist and rattles the ice in his tumbler to get the attention of the cocktail waitresses he calls “Sweet cakes.” 

"Hey Sweet cakes, whose salad do I have to toss to get another scotch?" 

I like Brian Williams. He reminds me of the guy shoe-shopping at Nordstroms who asks;

"Do these tan Top Siders come with a tassel?"

I like Brian Williams. He reminds me of the guy who bends down when he squints into the mirror and does that side-to-side dance as he finger-brushes his hair.

As a result, I have taken the liberty of writing Brian Williams’s return-to-the-network speech: 

As many of you know, I took a leave of absence due to embellishing a story of getting shot at in Iraq. Embellishing, by the way, is a French word that means lying.

It has been a trying time for me and my family. The executives at NBC are furious and gave me quite a tongue-lashing. And not the fun kind my daughter, Allison, got on “Girls.” 

In my defense, I was in one of four helicopters on the ground in enemy territory in Northern Iraq during a sandstorm. Just not one of the helicopters that got shot down, like I reported. To quote Mark Twain:

“The truth is a valuable commodity, one should use it sparingly.”

The truth can be a tricky proposition in my position. It’s like when I told Navy Seal Rob O’Neill, before we stormed the compound: “You better shoot bin Laden, nobody will believe I did it.”

Sure, my credibity has taken a hit. But my balls are not nearly as disinflated as the Patriot's. 

And while I am clearing things up, let me reiterate that I am not actually rapping on “Fallon.” That is edited, I am not a rapper. Sure, I am better than Vanilla Ice, but I am not a rapper.

If I could take back my mistake, I would, but I can’t. But I can tell you this: I would rather go for a drive with Suge Knight or Bruce Jenner than ever lie again. 

The ugly truth is, if you fired all the national news people who have lied, less people would watch the news than saw the movie “Mortdecai.”

And that is a scant damn few people.

So, like Hillary Clinton dodged Bosnian sniper bullets that weren’t there, and Joe Biden gave a speech stolen word for word from a British politician, Bill Clinton did have sexual relations with that girl, Sarah Palin did not see Russia from her house and John McCain . . . well, John McCain has never lied, but he did pick Sarah Palin, I also made a big mistake.

It's like what I told "Sully" when he called me when his engines went out. I said;

"Look, that plane is coming down in the Hudson, you have to make the most of a bad situation."

But I can tell you this: I would have run the ball on second down and one yard to go in the Super Bowl. My mistake, while bad, wasn’t nearly that bad.

What the hell was Carroll thinking? I've called him and told him twenty times to run Marsawn Lynch in that situation.

Wait. No, that is a lie. Damn, see how hard it is to stop once you start?