Thursday, January 22, 2015

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bill Belichick.
Bill Belichick who?
Sorry, what did you ask? 

In MI, two men discovered mastodon bones in their backyards. Here is the weird part. It turns out it is the same mastodon Larry King rode to school.

A Florida teenager was caught posing as a gynecologist at a West Palm Beach hospital for a month. They got suspicious when he referred to the exams as getting to third base.

New England has been accused of deflating 11 of 12 game balls last week. There is actually a technical term for deflating balls: marriage.

The NFL fined Seattle Seahawk, Marshawn Lynch, $20,000 for grabbing his crotch following a touchdown. That is the most anyone has paid for grabbing a crotch since Michael Jackson.

New England has been accused of deflating 11 of 12 game balls last week. This brings a new meaning to those Aaron Rodgers “I want to pump you up” Allstate commercials.

Researchers claim E-cigarettes can contain high levels of formaldehyde. E-cigarettes can also result in especially high levels of doucheness.

Golfer Robert Allenby’s story of getting mugged and kidnapped in Hawaii is falling apart. Now a witness said the marks on his face were from falling on a lava rock outside a strip club. In other words, this Aussie’s dingo is short one baby.

Since you asked:

Footballs are like avocados. They only come in three textures: really hard, hard and too soft. (Could have included something else, but I took the high road)

Only a scientist could discern the difference between a football inflated to 10.5 psi and one at the legal 12.5. 

When I first heard about deflate gate, I thought the balls were softer and you could squeeze them to make a dent. That is not the case at 10.5 psi.

Sure, if you had a 10.5 psi ball right with a 12.5 psi ball, you could tell the difference. It just doesn't make any difference. 

Not that I am a big Belichick or Brady fan, but this a lot of ink about nothing. What we should worry about is who is in charge of making sure Richard Sherman's ego is properly inflated. 

But Tom Brady denying he had anything to do with the preperation of the game balls? That would be like an Indy driver saying he had nothing to do with the preperation of the car. It cannot be true.  

"Hey Tom, don't you prepare your equipment before a game, the cleats, pads, helmet, uniform?"

"Oh, no,  I just wear whatever the equipment manager gives me. My only concern is what happens on the field."

Horse poop.  

Been marathon watching episodes of “Maron” on Netflix and it is fun. Been a fan of the Marc Maron since his HBO comedy special in 1995. He was the karate-kicking promoter in “Almost Famous” in 2000.

In the mid to late ‘90’s, Maron was at the top of the stand up world, then the usual suspects, fame, money, booze, drugs, two divorces and a reputation for being difficult put him on the sidelines where he watched Kevin James, Ray Romano, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell, Jerry Seinfeld and his best friend and former roommate, Louis C.K. and many others shoot to fame and wealth.

Clean and sober for two decades, Maron is making a big comeback with “Maron” a show about his successful garage podcasts. Maron has his demons, but he is a funny, funny guy. 

Here is my idea for a  “Maron” episode:

During a podcast recording, Maron laments what he misses about New York. One of things is the amazing alacrity in which Chinese restaurants can deliver food. One second someone shoves twenty menus under your door, you call and order, and no later than you hang up, there is a delivery knock at your door.

It is almost creepy.

His local L.A. Chinese place, however, is so slow, Maron jokes:

“If you want an order fast, you have to order the Kung Pao greyhound.”

The owner of Maron’s local Chinese joint is a Maron podcast fan and hears this and bans Maron from his restaurant.

“What am I going to do?” Maron says panicked. “Banning a Jew from his Chinese restaurant is like banning a WASP from Applebee’s.”

To get back in, Maron starts to shamelessly shill for the Chinese restaurant on his podcast to let him back in. So he backpeddles and apologies about the dog-eating remark and manages to further insult the Asian community. 

Maron manages to put that fire out and get his restaurant ban lifted. 

Reflecting on his ban being lifted, Maron says on his podcast;

“They should let me back in. I mean I am missing my cat, Boomer, and I didn’t blame them once.”

So he gets banned again.