Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Today starts Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls. Or as the bulls call it: the goring of the drunken idiots.

Honey Boo Boo’s parents got married. It was very romantic, the couple misspelled their own vows.
It was quite historic, the first reality show wedding in English that required subtitles.

Just played the new Kim Kardashian video game. Now my joystick hurts when I pee.

A 95-year-old Arkansas man, Bud Jackson, set an age group record in the 100 meter breast stroke in 3.16.56. This beats the old 95-year-old-man record of “Swimming 90 meters and then dying.”

Joey Chestnut won the Nathan’s 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, but did not break his record last year of 69 hot dogs in ten minutes. That’s more wieners flying in faces than an Adam Lambert concert. (oh, snap, no he di’ . . .’nt . . .)

A study claims watching too much pornography can cause your brain to shrink. In a related story, I like perr-tay-terrrrs. Hmmmmm.

The Tour De France is in stage three. For US sports fans, the first stage was ambivalence, stage 2 was unconcern and stage 3 is utter apathy.

A New York Yankee fan is suing ESPN claiming the broadcasters made fun of him when he fell asleep during a game. In a related story, “Seinfeld” is coming back on the air just to make an episode of this story.

This summer, TGIF will offer endless appetizer refills for $10. Apparently TGIF now stands for Thrombosis Generated Intestinal Failure.

A New York Yankee fan is suing ESPN claiming the broadcasters made fun of him when he fell asleep during a game. As a result, Cubs fans are planning to sue the Cubs organization for giving them nightmares.

Lex’s tips to improve the World Cup;

You know when they keep kicking the ball back towards their own goal? Yeah, stop doing that. Think General Patton: "I don't want any messages we are holding our position. We aren't holding anything. We are advancing constantly." 

For the US, just paint donuts on the ball and put Chris Christie in goal.

The amount of time a supposedly injured player spends on the ground or on the stretcher is doubled before they are allowed back on the field.

Players need to spend more energy shooting the ball than they do gyrating in protest if they miss.

For the love of decency, stop all the damn hugging and kissing. A little is OK, but these guys hug and kiss more than my hippy Aunt Daisy after too much wine and Zoloft. There have been more than three occasions where we have witnessed the blossoming of a lustful bromance right on the field, or pitch. 

To avoid shoot outs, add extra time to the extra time added to the second extra time's extra time.

Don’t avoid shoot outs, they are fun if you don’t care which team wins.

We need to use those awesome British announcers for more things. Would love to hear how Tony Romo is in a spot of bother over a controversy (can-trah-ver-see) about the studs he has on his boots considering the dodgy nature of the pitch while the current result of the tilt is nil-nil. Sticky wicket, what? 

The refs need to stop rewarding flopping. (this is for realsies) Offsides needs to be more flexible. Stop punishing fast offensive players and rewarding lazy defensive players.

Vuvuzelas need to go the way of the white man’s afro.

The US calls it soccer. Get over that. It is because our football makes the other football look like a damn high school student film. It could be worse, we could call soccer the Redskins . . .