We up and done got our hair did in an up-'do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

They say you get the face you deserve. What did Phil Robertson do to deserve getting the face of an old Yak's scrotum?

Denver Bronco, QB, Peyton Manning broke the single season record for touchdowns at 51; Manning is a lock to be the league’s MVP. In fact, the only thing Manning did wrong this year was make a commercial for the only lousy pizza maker, Papa John’s.

“I want to re-purpose this locally grown, seasonal, organic kale so I can win for my life-partner on the anniversary of my tenth tattoo celebrating my five years sober.” 

– Every freaking contestant on every effing cooking contest show. 

In honor of Riley O'Connor, the only joke my mother, bless her soul, could tell:

An American covert CIA agent is dispatched to a quaint cobblestone-road town in Ireland. His mission is on a need-to-know basis and all he knows is he is to find his contact named Riley and give him the secret code to signal the start of a mission.

Upon arriving he sees several people walking on the sidewalk and stops an older dapper gentlemen in tweed and says;

"Excuse me, I am looking for a man named Riley."

The grizzled Irish codger strokes his chin for a second and says;

"Well, the butcher across the street is named Riley."

"Thanks, I'll go see him," says the impatient American.

"Not so fast," says the Irishman, "The druggist is also named Riley."

Now the American looks confused.

"In fact, me name is also Riley."

"Your name is Riley?"

"That it is, me boy."

The American looks at the Irishman closely, squints his eyes and says;

"The moon travels over the dark and silent meadow."

"Oh," says the Irishman, "You'll be wantin' Riley the spy."