Don’t you dare fuzizzle with T-Swizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Taylor Swift sang at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show, but Australian model, Jessica Hart, said Taylor did not fit in on the runway; look for Taylor’s next upcoming single: “Skank From Down Under.”

After admitting smoking crack, driving drunk and accusations of sexual harassment, Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford, actually said he is going to run for office again. How can he possibly think of running for Mayor of Toronto? This man should be a US congressman.

The Epilogue to “My Being Bullied By A Big Football Player” story.

So on the last day of camp at the All Pro Football School, Minnesota Vikings great and six-time-pro-bowler-should-be-in-the-Hall-of-Fame center, Mick Tinglehof, and Pro Bowler and Vikings 50-greatest-of all-time, Dave Osborn, invited the gang they called Chicago, me, Bruce, and the two South Side guys, Marcus and Marcellis, to come see them after the Chicago Bear game in December.

They gave us the name of their hotel, the Drake, and told us to call them the night before and they would have tickets for us at Will Call. The only condition was that we could not be wearing any Bear gear. No kidding, you could tell all the Vikings genuinely hated the Chicago Bears.

Sadly, we had lost touch of Marcus and Marcellis.

My Dad and I went to the game with Bruce and Bruce’s dad. The tickets were amazing. Tenth row, 50 yard line. For the first time in my life I was hoping the Bears would lose because I thought Mick and Dave might change their minds on meeting us after the game if they lost.

The night of the game, it was a “Monday Night Football” game, so it was my first ever night football game. The temperature was about zero and we were freezing. Using pictures of me and Bruce with Mick and Dave, we got past the guards to outside the door of the visiting team’s locker room.

After what seemed like forever my four Vikings, Dave, Mick, Jim Marshall and Ed Sharackman all came out. We were delighted and, to my surprise, they seemed really glad to see us. Mick could not shake hands and showed us the hand he had been snapping the ball with in Zero degrees. It was bright red and swollen to twice the size of his other hand. Carl Eller walked by us wearing a giant mink coat. Got to shake legendary four-time Super Bowl coach, Bud Grant’s hand. He seemed much friendlier in person.

They asked how we did in football and we could both say great. That year there were two teams, over 125 pound heavy weights, which I played on, and under 125, which Bruce played on. And we had both been the star running backs.   

It was interesting to see my Dad genuinely impressed by these guys. Although I had to fuss at him later to stop keep saying he was taller than Dave Osborn. (He was by an inch)

All of a sudden, just as we were saying our goodbyes – the now-full team bus was waiting - I remember Mick getting a sinister grin of his face. He whispered something to Dave Osborn, Dave shook his head yes and they said;

“Wait here, we’re gonna get you boys something.” And then they snuck back into the locker room.

Bruce and I looked at each other bewildered. They both emerged with something hidden inside their long camel-skin dress coats. They were two official Minnesota Vikings t-shirts, the ones they wore under their jersey in the game. Thick white cotton with the Vikings purple emblem and XXL. They were soaked with sweat, which I could not believe was possible at subzero, but of course we did not care.

Bruce and I put them on right away. Mick and Dave my Dad and Bruce’s dad all laughed. They looked like a huge white dress on us and came down past our knees. (We were in Eighth grade)

The next two years, Bruce and I wore those shirts until they were filled with holes.

Then it happened.

One day, when I was in high school, my Vikings shirt was not in my t-shirt drawer. To my horror, I ran down to the basement and let out a blood-curdling scream at what I saw: my Vikings t-shirt had been ripped into napkin-sized rags by our one-day-a-week housekeeper, Louise.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved Louise. She was a heavy-set, African American middle-aged grandmother from the South Side and the sweetest woman I ever knew not counting my mom and grandmothers.

But I didn’t talk to Louise for a month.

(Every Christmas, Louise gave us a homemade fruitcake. It was one of the longest running jokes in our family. We would act like she had given us the keys to a Rolls Royce. As soon as she closed the door behind her to go catch her bus to the El, we threw it in the trash with a loud thud)

Like my autographed picture of Gale Sayers and my issue of “Track and Field News” that listed me along with Rafer Johnson, Bill Toomey and, yes, Bruce Jenner, as a National Decathlon age group record holders, (me at 15) my Minnesota Vikings t-shirt was now gone.

A few years ago, I e-mailed the legendary Decathlon historian, Dr. Frank Zarnowski, told him about the “Track and Field News” age group list, and guess what? He had it and made a copy of it and mailed it to me.

So there I am again, along with Rafer Johnson, Bill Toomey and, yes, Bruce Jenner, as a National age group record holders. Guess who else was on the list? My UCSB Decathlon coach, Sam Adams.

Some things are just meant to be.